C6AW9-9xbp3
Zeus.
So I'll take the skies.
Ooh, ooh, I want the sea.
OK, Poseidon gets the sea.
And horses.
Fine.
You can have the sea and horses.
But that's it.
Um, I want a wife.
It's not what we're doing here.
I want earthquakes.
DNBehcqR8dN
Hello, is anybody home?
Who goes there?
It is me, the chosen one.
Fireball!
DCuuwzbxRDH
*coughing*
*coughing*
*coughing*
C8CZftTx8Zd
Escucha las palabras de las brujas, los secretos escondidos en la noche.
Los antiguos dioses invocamos ahora la obra de la magia oculta.
Esta noche al amanecer hemos llamado a la...
DMsr86yRAVj
There's a serial killer in your town, unfortunately for them, you are a necromancer and you are having fun driving that maniac insane.
Okay listen, I need you to do me a favor, so the guy who killed you has actually killed a lot of people in town, why has no one noticed?
I'm glad you asked, it's because every time I bring them back. Now listen, dying had to suck, right?
Right, but I fixed it and I will continue fixing it, so please don't tell the cops about the serial killer.
What, he's just gonna go around?
No, I get it, listen, I understand, you don't want them to hurt more people, but listen, I will keep fixing it, right?
That's insane!
Just listen, when they see you again tomorrow, wouldn't it be so funny if you acted like nothing happened, just to f*** with them, right?
C9cVPPPxYaX
Guys, I don't want to alarm anyone, but I think LeBron James is in the garage.
What was that?
C6C3yTKR0-M
What's that about?
Well, when a barometric pressure reaches a certain temperature st--
Shit, I don't fuckin' know.
Da3c_ukJ6d2
The M. At the bar you see a cloaked hunched over a man.
He wears a crown of bone and blade, surrounded by three sentient rings of fire.
His arm is made of steel.
Who else is in the tavern?
Uh, there's a goblin named Sam Smorkel.
I want to talk to Sam Smorkel.
DTf837JiRYN
You must find Bix Dunga on Sikweep.
Find Piv Korendip on Tambin Dimvith.
You must go to Netflix and find Tig Notaro.
Go to Carbonara.
Find Quesno Sub.
Go to Natafada.
Find Mori.
Go to Brokaz.
Find Rama Noodles.
Go to Shithik.
Find Bile Eilish.
Go to Otazem.
There you will find Alder Trains.
DQxYESdiQsx
Absolutely.
Oh, you got a little mustard on your shirt right there.
Wait.
I know this game.
Game?
Whatever do you mean?
You plan to flick my nose.
What nonsense is this?
You mean to humiliate me.
I only wish to help you, brother.
Simply remove your finger and I will look.
If I remove my finger, you will be able to see.
What kind of sorcerous mustard is this where I cannot see with my own eyes?
The muscular pectorals, brother.
They block your view.
I don't believe you.
Only I can tell you where the mustard lies.
You are breaking my heart.
By God's grace, I do not lie.
Oh, what a dead of scorpions is this.
Face your destiny.
To battle, then.
Go away!
Go away!
DBmnV89R6n-
Fight me, you nerd-ass punk!
At least try to sound sophisticated when you threaten someone.
Dost thou wish to engage in a duel, my good bitch?
Somehow that was worse.
C6B-aW9Rb0F
We're bringing it, we're bringing it, we're bringing it back.
Fireball!
C7ZrCleRO60
Oh, you think you're so fancy with all your spells?
I cast...
Itchy Bones!
Oh, why, oh.
I cast...
Total Tongue Awareness!
DMdvdZgRrhm
Cowboy Fun Fact
I... I miss you.
DUO5nTDCRW-
Hey, hey, hey!
C9e2NNoRUI0
- The plan is kind of changing,
so we're just gonna take you with us.
- Am I being kidnapped?
- No, no, no.
- Can I leave?
- No.
DRphJ1yicl4
I always imagine D&D Wizards to be a bit like wine purists.
We need a fire spell, now!
Oh ho, well this is interesting.
Agamaz is scorching?
It's near a cloud.
Mayhaps a quick "essence de meteores".
If that's not too robust at this time of day.
DDF7hGWRQtc
- Vampire, my darling, my eternal flame,
my heart's joy take in human form.
You simply must drink water, your blood tastes like sh*t.
C7T9dOExH9_
I'm making coffee. Anybody want coffee? I'm making coffee.
I'm having a cup of coffee. Does anybody want coffee?
Because I'm having a cup of coffee.
C7ypjJVRSH8
and then i go and spoil it all by saying something stupid like fireball
DDr0Zr4xKlq
My favorite type of people are nerds, dweebs, dorks, and dinguses.
I love them all.
I love speech impediment people.
I love autistics.
I love band geeks, kinda.
And I love theater kids, kinda.
I love them all dweebs.
DZiW9WwJ7g5
Vampires today aren't as bloodthirsty as they were centuries ago because the average modern human provides more nourishment than five sickly Victorian chimney sweepers combined.
Mama who eats three square meals a day with dessert.
Are you okay?
The vampire bit her.
Yeah.
C5_-OATRWiV
Gonna need a human skull and I can't have you ask any questions.
Only if you also don't ask why.
What?
Uh, okay, sure.
Pulls out seven pristine human skulls from their back.
Take your pick.
Wizard.
This one's fine.
DOgzzEWCS7b
We'll be right back.
DNRT3VQR8eW
here's my addition to be the little fucking voice in your head sin sin sin
C7KNlJ4R6Kt
What do you call it when you kill someone in order to get all their stuff?
Adventuring.
DGGT5L2xYq_
And then I go and spoil it all by saying something stupid like
Fireball
DHTpZG-Rp7d
Are those hickeys? Did the wizard you're dating give you those?
Oh, yeah. Turns out they're a necromancer.
How are things going with the necromancer you're dating?
It's getting pretty serious. They said they want to raise a family with me.
Wow, that seems really fast.
Yeah, it should be. They're buried pretty close together.
So the bodybuilder I'm dating?
The bodybuilder? I thought you were dating a necromancer.
Isn't that what I said?
You should see their deadlifts.
How are things going with the necromancer you're dating?
Badly. We're fighting.
They're mad because apparently I stole their heart.
Wait, why would that be a bad thing?
Yeah, that's what I said.
They've got like a dozen more in their study.
Sometimes I worry they only want me for my body.
DBUesBJx9Wv
I may be cringe.
But you're mean.
And that's worse.
DBpADFZRgC3
- Smile without your eyes.
Raise your eyebrows.
Stop smiling.
That's your model face.
DHt1oLcRC68
Useless magical items: The bagpipes of invisibility.
Useless magical items: The boomerang of infinite suspense.
The potion of perpetual girth. Hey! Uh oh. Oh fuck! Useless magical items: The Ouija board of literal doom. Bee? Bee? Bee? Why is it all bees? AHHHHH!
DO4PYrDCWuc
I cast piece of popcorn stuck in your teeth you can feel with your tongue but not your finger.
I cast 9AM CALCULUS CLASS!
Aw, sh*t.
C7JcAeKunOa
Be not scared, my child.
Venture deeper into the forest and a tribute to my shrine.
I am one of the highest-rated local deities with over 3,000 positive reviews.
C60zaA8uCgd
Hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, her sister was a witch, right, and what was her sister, a princess, the wicked witch of the east, bro, you're gonna look at me and you're gonna tell me that I'm wrong, am I wrong, she wore a crown and she came down in a bun, I'm not fighting with you, grow up, grow up, get educated,
DKU_XZZxYKw
- Zombie outbreak started two years ago.
Now you find yourself cornered by a decaying zombie
when you do the unthinkable and bite it first
when it falls to the floor and grows its skin back
and sits up and asks, what is going on?
How the fuck did you know that would work?
I didn't, dude, I just fucking panicked.
C8cxrhSxLVx
Useless magical items.
The bagpipes of invisibility.
DPexrY4jQIY
Hmm, do I think that goblins and elves should live in the same society and shop at the same stores?
Nah, elves are, like, way better.
The goblins should be, like, working there, or maybe, like, live around there, but not live with them.
Sir, that's terrible. I want to live with the elves.
You think they're gonna accept you in their community?
Ah ha ha! Ah ha ha ha ha!
C_Be0ChxXq2
A room called the doll room that's full of dolls is mundane, but a room called the doll room that only has one doll in it, that's fresh.
DKaU6T-Rp9f
What's a wizarding opinion that'll get you locked up like this?
Fireball is such a caveman heart spell.
The whole arcane weave is in the palm of your hands.
And all you can think of is big fire.
Promethean Neanderthals.
DTOfggxCZRX
How long has it been since your last confession?
I've never had one, my entire life.
Oh, wow, that's long.
Yeah.
How long have you been alive?
I'm like 32 now.
Oh my God, that's like 10 goblins whole lives.
Okay, so it's been a long time.
It's been three goblins since previous confession.
You're measuring time in goblins?
I mean, the scale you chose is so long.
I have to.
What am I going to measure it in?
Days?
You crazy, Quinny.
Okay, so...
DTs1NLxCdGj
I cast "You're Drunk!"
I cast "You're Drunker!"
I cast "You're Drunker!"
DDeZ_-Dxo9r
So you have come for information?
I have some for you.
Your mother is so large that when Legolas dispatched her, Gimli counted it as two.
What?
Your mother is so large that everywhere she goes, orcs follow her, chanting Grond, Grond.
Your mother is so grotesque she left a ring around the bathtub that in the darkness binds them.
Your mother is so broke Elrond had to remake her.
Your mother is so large I had to let her pass.
Your mother is so stupid you old Peregrine took an apology.
Your mother is so grotesque I looked away to watch Denethor eat a salad.
Your mother is so large that when she leaned on the Westfold it fell, while she blocked Theoden's view of Gondor.
Your mother is so large that when she sat on me I stayed dead.
Your mother is so corpulent that she can't be seen all at once with a palantir.
Your mother is so ignorant she searched Elrond's cupboard for his copies of Dianetics.
Your mother is so large that she gave Argolion to the meat sweats.
Your mother is so vast that to fix his eye on Rivendell, Sauron has to wait for her to get out of the way.
Your mother is so wanton all the Rohirrim made for her gap of Rohan.
Your mother is so stupid she thinks Bag End is a contraceptive.
Your mother is so ghastly Tom Bombadil saw her and cried.
Your mother is so vast that in the battle of the five armies she was two of them.
Your mother is so large that much that once was has been lost behind her.
Your mother is so nasty she has a tattoo that reads Speak, Friend, and Enter in a language I will not utter here.
Your mother is so hideous she made the lidless eye blink.
Your mother is so foul they call her the crack of doom.
Your mother's crack of doom is so foul not even dwarves will dig there.
Your mother is so broke Boromir used her as a horn.
Your mother is so corpulent they couldn't fit her in the extended editions.
Your mother is so hideous I had to sleep with my eyes closed.
Your mother is so large one does not simply walk around her.
Your mother is so slow she bored the Ents to sleep.
Your mother is so repugnant orcs took her off the menu.
Your mother is so useless they cut all her scenes from the return of the king.
That hurts, Gendal.
Now who elected the way of pain?
As they say in the Shire, to start none won't be none, motherfucker.
C6C2zoKRw4M
It is 2024. Why do I have to travel via horse-drawn carriage over the river and through the woods with
tail of newt and eye of dog in my satchel to bestow upon an ancient witch who lives in a cave
so that she can do her do in a little cauldron to convert a wave file to an mp3?
C7JnKXXuu0U
*outro music*
DNGg9BSRDVt
In occupation and reason for coming to Waterdeep,
stab Cuttington, criminal, and crime.
Excuse me?
This is not what I meant when I said you should be more honest with people.
C6y7NGnRkmM
My waist is snatched, my roof is thatched, the queen wants me dead because she knows her man wants me.
I'm the baddest bitch in this village.
C6BMXmoueL3
Ye be listening to 102.3 Pirates FM, where we play nothing but shanties, shanties, and more shanties.
This ain't ye landlubber granny station.
DEnqWKLxokK
My co-workers keep making fun of me because I'm wee, I'm 5'2 and it makes me angry.
Some could say I've got a short temper.
DVeSm5WCXsx
If several men are fighting for possession of an important orb,
you are either reading a high fantasy novel or watching sports.
DLU-zFJRM46
The world sucks, everything sucks, I suck.
What the fuck is the point of me being here if you're already fucking sad?
I can't make someone who's already fucking sad more sad.
How the fuck are you making me depressed?
How the fuck are you doing when I am a demon?
I'm a fucking therapist.
Why invite me to say to you should not beat my head if you already have one foot in the fucking grave.
This fucking night.
C_8KY1QRHP6
- I'm thinking about being a witch
and scaring children when they walk by my house.
- Oh, for Halloween?
- No.
DALm3smRmPS
Then the Druid starts to focus, the earth is their guide, no hocus pocus.
You watch a storm cloud gather in the sky, find something to hide behind.
Feel the air charge, electric discharge, the Druid smiles all the while, they don't care if they get you.
You should have rolled up a higher number, on your deck say thunder.
The Druid casts lightning stars, they cast lightning stars.
C9dPwywRKSW
AHHHHH!
BOMBATLAAA!
DQDCzC7iRD_
A fundamental paradox of D&D wizards is the grander the name, the more down-to-earth the
bearer is likely to be once you get to know them, and vice versa.
A wizard named Flaxothor the Grandiloquent is almost certainly someone you can relate
to if you can persuade them to stop shouting, but a wizard named Kevin definitely eats fingers.
C6BQrvUO1OK
You'll never catch me, Wizard. I cast Tungsten Bullsack!
DUZhiqZjXkm
I bet crossing spears with someone to block entry into a location feels so fucking good.
C6ysFeJLOx0
Jack, I want you to draw me like one of your French girls.
All right.
I want you to draw me like one of your French girls.
I want you to draw me like one of your French girls.
C_je4cuxtmX
"So you see," said the royal advisor, wringing his hands, "the curse states that the princess
will die on the night before her 25th birthday."
"Hang on," said the princess, "on the night before?"
The advisor nodded grimly.
"So what you're saying is that until that one specific day, I am effectively immortal."
"Technically, yes, but then the king stammered."
"Wow," said the princess, "who is 16 and did not possess amazing impulse control.
I'm going to go teach myself how to juggle chainsaws while hang gliding over shark-infested waters.
Catch you chuckleheads later!"
C7B5ItBLPIn
I cast vicious mockery, nut 20, let's go.
You're a shot, motherfucker, and nobody likes you.
Sure!
Everybody says,
I'm fucking sure that guy is.
And let's stop you from bombing me eating for relationships.
C-3ha10xm0-
You. Yes, you. You've been selected as my target. I suggest you start running now as I'm rapidly approaching your position.
DFtXffyxDf6
I'm sick of pointing a gun at my dad through my window at 2 a.m. as he please
Come on, Jake. Just let your own paw in.
I'm tired.
And replying,
You're not my dad. He's asleep, in the other room. I hear him snoring.
Then watching his expression go sour as he turns back towards the woods.
DOwK04mCaV-
Beast, you must live with me in this castle for the rest of your days.
The food is free?
Yes, but you see...
I don't have to pay rent?
I think you're missing kind of the point of...
And there's a library?
Sign me the fuck up, roomie.
Please leave.
C6AS-Ugxrxw
this song is sponsored by the shadow government legalized nuclear bombs
DLsOgCdRL3W
I, I dream of you, gliding towards me in the moonlight, a bacon cheeseburger in each hand.
DEf8_nFR1z9
You're a villain who's kidnapped one of the smartest guys on your nemesis team.
They tell you that no one's gonna come for them because the hero doesn't care.
You thought they were bluffing at first, but it's been like a month now and no one's shown up.
After hearing them cry at night once again, you finally had enough.
C_0dWLBxoFB
You're now listening to 102.3 Rail Dwarf FM
Where we play nothing but metal, rock and stone
This is your Elf Maiden Station
DR0SH4XCWnM
Thine ears have been graced by 102.4, Elflight FM, where songs of radiant truth ring out.
Fear not the dwarves depraved drivel.
You would not believe your eyes, if 10 million fireflies lit up.
You're now listening to 102.3, Rail Dwarf FM,
where we play nothing but metal, rock, and stone.
This ain't your Elfmaidon station.
I am a more than a big deal.
How are you listening to 102.3?
Here we have the fence, where we playeth nothing but chance.
Chance and more chance.
This are not the end of the matriarch station.
Don't you dare change the channel.
105.5.
iHeartOrcRadio, where our songs crush the weak.
It's going down.
Go away!
Thou art listening to 102.3.
Real Paladin FM, where we listen to nothing but prayers.
Prayers and more prayers.
This ain't the divine mother's station.
Wake it up to ash and dust.
I'll wipe my brow and I sweat my rust.
Do you fear the shadows?
102.7.
Dark Elf XM.
Our station will sunder the web.
It's time to wake up.
Wake me up, wake me up inside.
Can't wake up, wake me up inside.
Ye be listening to 102.3.
Pirates FM, where we play nothing but shanties, shanties, and more shanties.
This ain't ye landlubber granny station.
DFqfxhPRKqQ
Oh you think you're so fancy with all your spells, I cast, ITCHY BONES!
Oh why, oh, I cast, TOTAL TONGUE AWARENESS!
Blah!
Blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah!
DWrHkn0DcQL
A support group for vampires who were turned as children or adolescents.
All of them dress like grandmas because they are as old as a grandma, maybe even 10 grandmas.
They have a network system where they can call adult looking vampires to help them get things,
drive places, pretend to be parents so child looking vampires can get into adult movies.
Two vampire friends at the same chronological age but one of them was turned 11 and the other at 40.
They pretend to be parent and child but they're actually more like bickering elderly roommates.
Bickering elderly roommates who were serial killers.
C9qDgzUR4M1
I am no killer. You just decapitated. I simply sent him to God.
Yeah, that's still murder, bud.
If God thought it unjust, then he would resurrect as man.
Has that happened yet?
No, which means I'm doing a good job.
DNltizwRhDD
In fairy tales and fantasy, two types of people go in towers: princesses and wizards.
Princesses are placed there against their will or with the intention of keeping them
safe.
This is very different from wizards who seek out towers to hone their sorcery in solitude.
I would like a story where a princess is placed in an abandoned tower that used to belong
to a wizard and so she spends long years learning the craft of wizardry from the scraps left
behind and becomes the most powerful magic wield of the world as seen in centuries, bursts
out of the tower and wreaks glorious bloody vengeance on the fools that have risen her.
That would be my kind of story.
C8ILFjfxERv
We'll see you next time.
C6C5TT6xtMD
You're late to work, who gives a fuck?
It's your life, bitch!
Fuck you, boss, I'm late!
I'm late, I'm late, I'm late, I'm late
What you gonna be doing about it?
I said, I'm late, I'm late, I'm late, I'm late
I'm late, you gotta fire me, there's no one else here, bitch!
I'm late, I'm late, I'm late, I'm late
I'm late, you gonna fire me, that's you late!
Late, late, late, late, late, late, ha!
C90YWKVxWSj
Everyone got then one friend whose whimsical demeanor got replaced with a profound sadness after the incident.
DSaQ1mvjUeb
Yep, that guy was definitely a vampire.
How do you know?
Well, I stabbed him in the heart with a giant wooden stick and he died.
But that would have killed anyone.
Yeah, I think I messed up.
DatNmJKJuR7
I know I've said this before, but vampires don't show up on camera, can fly slash scale walls,
are immune to bullets, can break into any safe by turning into fog or some bullshit,
can probably hypnotize security guards as needed, therefore I am in dire need of a heist film
where a group of vampires band together to steal back their old stuff from museums.
What are we doing this for a second?
C87AhiERuyg
why do you keep making tiktoks when nobody watches them you want to know what somebody
does watch them i watch them i watch my own tiktoks i okay
DZyEeowpsjF
I'm imagining a fortune teller who's also a child,
so her idea of what a good fate is vs a terrible one isn't really in line with her clients at all.
Imagine you go to visit the oracletthoracling and she tells you that there's untold riches in your future,
and later it becomes very apparent that what she was predicting was you winning 20 bucks from a lottery ticket.
She dismisses every wedding she predicts as a terrible fate because she thinks kissing is cringe.
C-AWR0GRAR0
Now that I'm president, it's time to drastically reduce military spending.
Sir, is there any way I can get you to reconsider?
No, I draw the line here.
I will not contribute to this.
I will not feed the war machine.
What if we put a bomb in a Nerf football?
Would that be fun?
Oh, shit, really?
No.
No!
How much is it?
C_m_khNxuvk
How art listening to...
One or two point three.
Here we have the fence.
Where we playeth nothing but chance.
Chance.
And more chance.
This are not the Inel Demetrius station.
C6AVr6Lxi8K
You're now listening to 102.3 Rail Dwarf FM
Where we play nothing but metal, rock and stone
This ain't your elf maiden station
I am a dwarf and I'm digging a hole
Digging, digging a hole
Digging, digging a hole
C6BODV0uwpY
All right, first you'll need some coconut oil, a little paprika, you know, a little bit of some other things, but, you know, after that, he should taste delicious.
Stop telling them how to eat us!
Billy, I'm not teaching them how to cook you.
I'm teaching them how to make your species taste a little bit better when they get cooked.
That's all. It's nothing bad. You're okay. You're gonna be fine.
C95YUicRof1
Does hypnosis open the door for demons?
No, it does not.
C6HZMWsxAqo
so you have come for information i have some for you your mother is so large that when legolas
dispatched her gimli counted it as two what your mother is so large that everywhere she goes orcs
follow her chanting grond grond your mother is so grotesque she left a ring around the bathtub
that in the darkness binds them your mother is so broke elrond had to remake her your mother is so
large i had to let her pass your mother is so stupid you old peregrine took an apology your
mother is so grotesque i looked away to watch denethor eat a salad your mother is so large that
when she leaned on the west fold it fell while she blocked theoden's view of gondor your mother
is so large that when she sat on me, I stayed dead.
C6B9Ln1RTK4
I can't...
Forgive yourself.
DRxi9jYkvww
A small, unassuming tavern is run by a retired superhero.
The janitor used to be the biggest mob boss in the world,
the chef is a monster hunter,
the waiter is the head of a massive cult.
They don't know each other's identities,
but when the tavern is in trouble, all four thought:
I got this.
C_yVBbxxAqk
Jesus Christ
Turn on the arm
Turn on the arm
And it's all
Lay at the fucking spot
DDpeKkSxc7R
Can't sleep?
Yeah, kind of worried about the rats.
He sleeps with a woman.
Shall we attack?
I used to be young once.
Let us have one night of peace.
But the jam, the cheese!
DUT-VCWCfGb
Shant make my mother proud, the thought is too obscene
To see her darling girl, I know that she shall scream
Lord, what hast thou done, that a pink pony made
Thou shouldst be a nun, oh my
DKulWRgx_f6
I cast too many thumbs!
I cast permanently warm pillow.
Aw, f**k!
C6CKoknR6w7
You must find Bixdunga on Sikweep.
Find Piv Korendip on Tambindimvif.
You must go to Netflix and find Tig Notaro.
Go to Carbonara.
Find Quesno Sub.
Go to Natafada.
Find Mori.
Go to Brokaz.
Find Rama Noodles.
Go to Shithik.
Find Bile Eilish.
Go to Otazem.
There you will find Alder Trains.
DVy0eAyiYdk
If magic was real, I'd get really into wizardry long enough to learn like three spells and move on,
and four years later I'd be like, "Oh yeah, I remember how to summon a flame. Probably."
And then I'd do all the hand motions out of order and explode.
Now I want a setting full of depressed, middle-aged, former magic child prodigies.
DTZOt_NjZC1
Bail around this dragon piss
Live with it is gone
So welcome to Jamrak
Camp when the togs have camp
Dan-x9ipqJi
How many murders have you done?
Maybe 37?
38?
Okay, okay, that's a pretty good number.
40.
You're putting numbers on the board, that's nice.
46.
You gotta pick a number.
It doesn't have to be right if it feels right.
I can't remember if the wolf that I skinned I killed.
Well, skinning stuff does kill it, I'll tell you in the goblin.
No, but I just can't remember who killed it first, because it had just died.
Do you know what, I'm going to say 37 or 38.
Question mark? I'll put one on both sides.
DH_Znivx7oL
The Grimsby and Gravenhurst Supernatural Detective Agency.
Murder Most Foul at Gloom Gullet Hall.
Lightning split the sky as Detectives Gravenhurst and Grimsby
arrived at Gloom Gullet Hall where Sir Percival Snootlebottom
had been found impaled on an antique harpsichord during a seance.
The suspects trembled before them.
Baroness Petunia McSnort, always sneezing when nervous.
Colonel Fiddlestick's wobble cheek.
Suspiciously jittery, even for a retired mime.
Madame Flapdoodle, medium by trade, large by volume.
Professor Bumblesnuff, an expert in haunted furniture.
Miss Tilly Twirpleton, fiancée of the deceased,
known to throw teacups when jilted.
It's clear, Gravenhurst declared, the harpsichord was possessed.
No, Grimsby interrupted, lifting a splintered tuning fork.
It was tuned to kill.
Madame Flapdoodle gasped, accidentally summoning a minor poltergeist.
Professor Bumblesnuff confessed.
He called my haunted ottoman a footstool with delusions I had no choice.
Gravenhurst nodded solemnly.
Case closed.
Grimsby sighed.
Another noteworthy crime.
Ugh.
The ghost played a B-flat in agreement.
DYC1fGxJMG3
If Snow White literally had lips red as rose and hair black as ebony and skin white as snow,
she'd look like a walking nightmare.
Honestly, this sounds like the description of a vampire.
Which would also explain how she convinced seven dwarves to let her stay with them.
How she could control some animals to do her bidding.
How she could sleep for a long time without aging.
Oh my god, Snow White's a vampire.
DQrskUcCV2v
Hello sir, may I have your name?
No, you may not have my name, but you may call me John.
Sir, this is a DMV and I am not a fey.
Oh, then you wouldn't mind holding this iron horseshoe, right?
DWJ8PWDCaCP
Wizard who got tired of fighting and cast messed up unethical spells like super brain hemorrhage to end the faster.
One time I did summon water inside a guy's lungs in the gym allowed it because he had been playing for years and never had seen anyone do that.
I'm still convinced that command skeleton can be cast on the living.
DayWaDFJRzb
A fantasy series where the court wizard is treated and portrayed, just like an IT guy.
Court wizard fixing the queen's magic mirror.
Hast thee attempted cleansing and reapplying the runes anew?
Court wizard finally fixes the magic mirror and sees the reflection of the queen reciting:
"Show me beautiful forest nymphs. Show me where to find beautiful..."
"Show me local witches willing to summon beautiful forest nymphs."
"Show me beautiful witches. Show me..."
DUbaofAiTU0
What if vampires are like mosquitoes and only the ladies drink blood?
Pretty sure that would mean the fellas drink tree sap or something.
Imagine running from a vampire through the woods and passing a husband who's biting a tree real hard.
Encounter.
Maple syrup vampire husband drinking sap in the woods.
Also trying to lure you to his literally bloodthirsty wife.
DLA7qaPRK4o
Why do 90% of all medicines sound like cool wizard names?
Tis I, Benadryl the Lich.
It is I, Zyrtec, the Almighty.
You knew much for Xanax, the wise.
Mucinix, the mighty.
My Agius.
DFdrOWSRLQq
Got a really good idea for a D&D character I'll never get to use.
It's a talking horse, you'd think this had come with some kind of magical backstory about
getting turned into one, but turns out they were just born that way.
You find out that the mother was a centaur, their father is a horse-headed minotaur, and
they have a sister who's a perfectly normal human.
They're a rogue thief because nobody expects a horse as the culprit.
You're an orc guard in a fully garrisoned and protected fortress two miles into a mountain.
You're standing post and suddenly you hear a knock outside the door.
You know you're not authorized to move from your post, but your curiosity overtakes you
and you open the door.
A horse is standing there as your brain races to think of some explanation for the sudden
and unexpected presence of the horse.
It leans in and whispers, "No one will ever believe you."
DPzYh3gEhrd
How did the quick brown fox jumped over the lazy dog become the typical sentence
that contains all letters of the alphabet and not "Sphinx of black quartz, judge my vow!"
Which is objectively a million times cooler.
DIHHMhJxnqi
iCast. Teenious tiny hands.
Ha, very clever. iCast. Still living with your mother.
I need you to reset all my passwords again.
Ugh, mom, really?
DG_fQ0xxXQu
At the top of the wall is carved the words, "I weaken all men for hours each day.
I show you strange visions while you are away.
I take you by night, by day take you back.
None suffer to have me, but do for my life."
Rogue, it's a riddle.
It's sex.
Big noises of agreement.
Rogue, exasperated.
Eat sleep, you horny losers.
It can have multiple interpretations.
All great literature does.
And most of them are about sex.
C6BMKPoumIT
I'm Batman, I live in the shadows.
Justice.
Forgot them!
I need to go to the Batcave.
Batman needs his supplies.
Forgot them!
DG20gi2xdXk
where did you put the plunger who the hell are you i live here no you don't yes i know the hell you
C6yme7ELugb
The funniest thing about TTRPGs is that you can create a guy and say, "His name is Blobobleepus, he sucks severely, I hope that many misfortunes before Blobobleepus, he does not deserve to be happy, and at least one of your friends will immediately jump in to say, 'No, don't bully Blobobleepus, I love Blobobleepus!'"
DU6pm6lif4v
Cuz I'm just a tiefling warlock, baby
Yeah, I'm just a tiefling warlock, baby
Put me in your Iron Maiden, baby
You'll see
Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh.
DBg0UW4Rut6
I love your daughter.
What do you have to offer?
Nothing.
Only this.
C6B91N7xA85
Oi, go, oi, more passion, more passion, more passion, more energy, more energy, more footwork, more footwork, more footwork, more passion, more energy.
DTi72WtEqEW
I met her on the internet, we haven't met in person yet, and that's how I'm lucky to see.
Cause I've been down this road before, they always end up wanting more, they take one look and run away.
Cause I'm a creature of the night, how could she ever love me right when I am only half a man?
She's coming over here tonight to tell the truth, I'm there of mine, there's nowhere left to hide the fact that I'm a half a man, how could she ever understand that I'm a half a man, I'm a half a man, that's what I am.
DP2DHAmktJN
Why the hell would you do that?!
Well, I thought it would be funny!
Funny?! Everything's on fire!
And yet, somehow, I am entertained.
WHAT?!
Oh, come on, you're gonna look at me and tell me that wasn't funny!
DUDE!
Okay, okay, okay, I admit I may have went a little overboard.
A LITTLE?!
I THOUGHT IT WOULD BE FUNNY!
C7wMVC5R32o
You gotta make your own kind of music
Sing your own special song
Make your own kind of music
Even if nobody else sings along
DY7-bB2JXmQ
The Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe Summary
Lucy, there's a magical world inside of this closet.
Edmund, don't believe her.
Peter, I don't believe you.
Aslan, believe her.
Susan, Jesus Christ, a talking lion.
Aslan, you were correct in multiple ways.
Yeah, I forgot how weird the world of Narnia is.
DW38VxfDRuK
Here you are, my poor friend.
Wow, thanks! I'm rich!
You're what?
DZ_Jw56pqeu
For the last time, I'm the god of the dead, not the god of death.
It's different.
That's Thanatos.
He's the god of death.
I just do the paperwork.
Thanatos is the emo boy all you'll think Hades is and be thirsting over.
Hades is just the guy who manages all the souls.
He's the kind of dude who wears banker clothes even on his days off.
All he wants to do is keep the system running smoothly,
take his three-headed dog for walks on his lunch break,
and go home to his solarpunk wife,
who will no doubt peg him until he can't fuck anymore.
DaDaXRUgO4y
Years ago, you promised your firstborn to a witch.
Since then, despite your best efforts, you can't seem to get laid.
The witch is starting to get pretty pissed.
You all get together to discuss your options.
She starts coaching on you how to get men
because she doesn't want to waste more magic on you without the promise of payment.
The more time you guys spend together, the more you realize you have a bit of a crush on her.
Soon you're sabotaging your dates on purpose to see her again.
Long story short, you fall in love and get married and do the sperm doing the thing,
and your firstborn is hers by default, and you live happily ever after.
The end.
The baby cries in the middle of the night.
It's your turn.
You bought it, you handle it.
DBZkqg_R5Ey
Look, he's literally just some barbarian. You're this goddess of a ranger.
Of course, hit him with your bow.
C6ASwIfxI9p
There is no I in team.
However, there are six I's in fuck it, I don't care how big the room is, I cast fireball.
C6C3a-qR7Q0
How does it feel to be a worst cop ever, huh?
Shut up, your mother buys you Mega Bloks instead of Legos.
You fucking take that bet.
DSIvFZNkjG9
Years ago, you promised your firstborn to a witch.
Since then, despite your best efforts, you can't seem to get laid.
The witch is starting to get pretty pissed.
You all get together to discuss your options.
She starts coaching on you how to get men
because she doesn't want to waste more magic on you without the promise of payment.
The more time you guys spend together, the more you realize you have a bit of a crush on her.
Soon you're sabotaging your dates on purpose to see her again.
Long story short, you fall in love and get married and do the sperm doing the thing,
and your firstborn is hers by default, and you live happily ever after.
The end.
The baby cries in the middle of the night.
It's your turn.
You bought it, you handle it.
DbGpXPkJw4F
you're listening the home of not you can do this stop one step at a time
DIrWXfxxqp2
Imagine if your dad was a minotaur, and your mom was a mermaid, and you got the human half of both.
And now you're just some guy.
I bet crossing spears with someone to block entry into a location feels so fucking good.
I would cast Rappel Maidens upon thee, but I see another wizard has beat me to it.
A kobold excitedly runs up to you, yipping.
Look what I can do.
The kobold concentrates really hard for a few moments, and you look up in horror as the sun explodes.
I'm sick of pointing a gun at my dad through my window at 2 a.m. as he pleads.
Come on, Jake.
Just let your own paw in.
I'm tired.
And replying.
You're not my dad.
He's asleep.
In the other room.
I hear him snoring.
Then watching his expression go sour as he turns back towards the woods.
What is the point of living?
I like pizza.
I want to eat more of it.
C6BgKkGuVrm
Did you put your name into the Goblet of Fire, Harry?
Dumbledore asked calmly.
Harry!
I protest!
Harry, did you put your name in the Goblet of Fire?
DM_FNaPx7Rt
Warlock Patron Idea: While putting your favorite condiment on a sandwich, you accidentally make a magical occult symbol and summon a demon.
You suddenly take out two more slices of bread out of the package and make another sandwich.
You put it on a plate with a handful of potato chips and hand it over to the demon.
He takes a sandwich, smiles, and vanishes in a puff of demonic smoke.
The next day you get that job promotion you were after. There was no contract, no words spoken, you owe nothing.
Every now and then another demon pops in for lunch. Demons don't often get homemade sandwiches.
DajcLCbtS0c
Ain't brass summer knots, warlock fall.
Casting sick-ass spells, summon thick-ass sprawls.
Wearing thick-ass robes, fungal crystal balls.
What are you talking about?
I'm talking about magic, boy.
Damn.
Turn you into a frog-type shit.
Yeah.
DUn8ERSjcM7
So in the Lord of the Rings of Pandasies,
it says that Legolas eventually builds a boat
and takes Gimli across the seas and into the west,
the Grey Havens.
You know, the place Arwen isn't allowed to go
because she's in love with a human dude,
but Legolas just sneaks Gimli into the Undying Lands
like contraband Twizzlers into a movie theater?
No, this is my dwarf and I'm keeping him.
DXAF8dnCew3
You know what I want more of?
Variety in aliens.
No, I don't mean more designs for alien species.
I mean variety within a species.
They always seem to have the same government,
same culture, the same religion, the same language.
Come on, humans don't work that way.
Oh, say, there's a quaila over there.
What are they saying?
No idea.
What?
That's a Kinsian quaila.
I'm a Cerulean quaila.
You'd have just as much luck understanding them as I would.
You're like, I even speak human.
Human isn't a language.
What?
Carl, we've been speaking Russian.
There's also Arabic, French, English,
About a thousand others.
How do you have so many languages and your planet is tiny?
DBPIoT8RHPq
You speak to me like you're my friend, but I don't see a friend when I look into your eyes.
I see the tickle monster hiding behind your gaze, biting its time.
DB9y7MjxHFD
Did you know if you're depressed you can come outside and be depressed outside?
You need to touch some grass.
Actually the grass is touching me right now inappropriately.
DHqwiApxcdn
Zeus.
So I'll take the skies.
Ooh, ooh, I want the sea.
OK, Poseidon gets the sea.
And horses.
Fine, we can have the sea and horses.
But that's it.
I want a wife.
It's not what we're doing here.
I want earthquakes.
DOeaal8CbZU
SHOW ME THE FACE OF MY GREATEST ENEMY!
Wha-
Ah.
Oh.
Ha ha.
Ah.
Shit.
DRvVdn9iQh2
We'll see you next time.
C6_V3qir12a
Oh, I am a huge fucking nerd, that's right, I'm a huge fucking nerd
I like lots of books and computers, cause I am a huge fucking nerd
DSiJJ9hCRJF
Roman soldier.
Halt, strange person.
Where are you from?
Well, I come from the future.
What are your names?
My name is Quintus, as I am the fifth child of my family.
My comrade is Sextus, for he was the sixth child of his family.
What is your name?
Oh, my name's Liv.
My name's Liv.
C9-DiFLxFuS
I took the drugs and the drugs are working, and the drugs are working.
DBH9-C3RwA2
As a knight, the king said, it is your duty to kill dragons.
Very well, my liege, the knight said.
Um, may I ask why?
Because they hoard wealth without sharing, and people live in fear of their capricious moods.
Very well, my liege, the knight said, and drew his sword.
C_EkP32R7gs
Why is it always, hey, let's grab a cup of coffee, let's go for coffee, and not, hey, let's reunite the shards before Gorlack opens the shadow gate?
He's got the shadow stone.
I don't think you understand what's happening here.
DVTl3u0Dbzg
A human wakes up in a strange medical bay with an alien doctor standing over them.
Turns out their shuttle crashed and the alien ship only just managed to teleport them on board in time.
By some miracle, the doctor explained, they escape with only minor injuries.
Some burns, few scratches and several small wounds. We're not sure what caused them.
Wounds? Small holes in your earlobes.
Possibly they were old wounds and unrelated to the accent, but either way, our doctors were able to heal them for you.
The human pauses. Thanks for a minute.
Wait, you unpierced my ears?
C7WzZFjRN8T
Most serial killers keep some sort of trophies from their victims.
I didn't.
No.
No, you ate yours.
C5_990ERSl2
Spidey is traveling through a dungeon and comes across a skeleton that is hung up by a meat hook.
There's a staff in its hand. One of the players reaches out and tries to grab the staff.
The skeleton then wakes up and says, "Any who hold the staff shall be cursed forever."
The player, being an arrogant wizard, casts Command Undead and asks, "How do I break the curse?"
If I knew that, do you think I'd be a skeleton with a meat hook up my arse?
C88NCgoRT9w
a stick what did you come home with a wizard stick where did you find this thing at work
what do you mean at work what do you mean what do you do for a living
trains i thought you said you work with trains
trains i think you're lying to me work stick you're a wizard i am now
DJmxMf7RxlG
I cast your drunk.
Oh, I cast your drunker.
I cast your drunker.
I cast your drunker.
DDQP9VrxbHB
I am Falcon Filth Shimmer Cheese,
heir to the throne of Cheese Hell,
commander of the Soup Legion,
defender of the Curious Evans,
keeper of the wet nuggets.
C74u_8KRaZS
i cast 100 million dollars in nickels
DARVjG3RKB1
I am not a jack-o'-lantern.
My name is Lewis.
DZDJBWfgytR
I cast awareness of time spent boomscrolling.
DEYQOBHRq0U
Ma'am, I hope this is not too forward, but I caught you a frog.
DUjGnSBifDJ
I know I should sleep, but the voices in my head go
IT'S WIZARD TIME, MOTHERFUCKER!
FIREBALL!
DK5NWXyRPLG
Hi, besties! It's your local chaos witch, Agatha, back with another quick dose of magical pettiness.
Today, I cursed my neighbor's Wi-Fi for stealing my Amazon packages.
Self-care!
DUTRyRNDcwG
by the age of 25 you should own a grimoire know several spells don a wizard's cloak leave society
form a convent of wizards perform an apocalyptic ritual end the world very few are doing this
DT_UNYRki6s
Got a really good idea for a D&D character I'll never get to use.
It's a talking horse.
You'd think this would come with some kind of magical backstory about getting turned into one,
but turns out they were just born that way.
You find out that the mother was a centaur, their father is a horse-headed minotaur,
and they have a sister who's a perfectly normal human.
They're a rogue thief because nobody expects a horse as the culprit.
You're an orc guard in a fully garrisoned and protected fortress two miles into a mountain.
You're standing post and suddenly you hear a knock outside the door.
You know you're not authorized to move from your post, but your curiosity overtakes you
and you open the door.
A horse is standing there as your brain races to think of some explanation for the sudden
and unexpected presence of the horse.
It leans in and whispers, "No one will ever believe you."
C6HZ_mdRz6N
Your mother is so corpulent that she can't be seen all at once with a palantir.
Your mother is so ignorant she searched Elrond's cupboard for his copies of Dianetics.
Your mother is so large that she gave Argolion to the meat sweats.
Your mother is so vast that to fix his eye on Rivendell, Sauron has to wait for her to get out of the way.
Your mother is so wanton all the Rohirrim made for her gap of Rohan.
Your mother is so stupid she thinks Bag End is a contraceptive.
Your mother is so ghastly Tom Bombadil saw her and cried.
Your mother is so vast that in the Battle of the Five Armies she was two of them.
Your mother is so large that much that once was has been lost behind her.
Your mother is so nasty she has a tattoo that reads Speak, Friend, and Enter in a language I will not utter here.
DU3R5QkDWJj
Damn, your captain fires his bow and, that's a hit.
And he rushes and, hit, and a bonus move and, oh geez, that's a big hit.
I'm really sorry, man.
Player sadly pulling out a fresh character sheet.
Ah, it's alright.
I guess in the next act, you're all going to meet Boromir's brother, Faramir.
C6BOovVuULf
"Gandalf the White... Gandalf the Fool!"
"Togan may have that game, Solomon the White? Or should I say, Solomon the Stupid? What? Solomon the Silly!"
"Stop that! Solomon the Winkly! BOP!"
"SOLOMAN THE STINKY!"
"NO!"
DOzQLk3iVQk
- Hello, do you have a minute to talk about Dracula?
- No, w- Dracula?
- Yes.
- You're vampires?
- Yes, we have pamphlets.
- Vampires have missionaries?
- Where else would you vampires come from?
- I mean, I assumed you bit people.
- There are many hurtful stereotypes.
May we come in?
DBTqLYNRBfZ
it's important to have at least one friend who's equally as out of touch with reality as you are
like you can text them literally the most insane thing like some you know thought that makes
absolutely no sense and they'll be like yeah i know you know what you're right with that one
you're right and you're like okay good i'm right
DCzhWDpxXe4
We're going back in time to the first Thanksgiving to get turkeys off the menu.
That's right!
We're going back in time to the first Thanksgiving to get turkeys off the menu!
DGWVSouRMgK
I want a movie about a ghost becoming increasingly desperate to haunt a family, but they have
cats and so the poor deer goes completely igno-
Confine cats with loud upstairs neighbors for maximum ghost frustration.
Someone could break into my apartment and just start smashing things and add a stupid
side for the cat or the neighbors and not even look up from my phone.
DVb7osTiS1P
It's late. Try to sleep.
DHOa6RzxPVA
Centaur kneeling on the ground, ripping up bits of grass and eating it.
Nearby horse.
*laughs*
Thanks.
Well, it's easy for you to bend over, isn't it?
Horse snorts.
Centaur threw a mouthful of grass.
Well, goody goody for you, but some of us have two spines.
DZnxlSFpmo4
Come on.
DR-k-UtEoPv
It's nice that we get to die someday. Imagine being immortal and suddenly you remember all the embarrassing things you did in the last 2,000 years.
Horrible.
Me as a vampire.
Ah, jeez. What's wrong?
I just remembered the time in 1654 when the tavern maid said "Enjoyeth thy meal" and I replied with thee as well.
C71vc0px7us
I can't...
Forgive yourself.
C6EId_QLyeI
I've got a peer-reviewed study right here that says...
Hmm.
Says you're a pussy.
DYiMJuMpGG_
You only live once.
You should try to spend as much time on the computer as possible.
After you die, you won't have access to it anymore.
C9NokdDRkt_
I, my end is now, prepare myself, I, my end is now, prepare myself, I, my end is now, prepare myself.
C7tcZ_NOtYa
Hey, where did you put the plunger?
Who the hell are you?
I live here.
No, you don't.
Yes, I do.
No, the hell you do.
DNtup1C0ksx
just dropping by to let you know we still have no idea what's going on and most of us are just
making up as we go so uh good luck with all that and stuff okay bye
DV1eAgfgE37
Vampire Queen: I feel there has been a misunderstanding.
Necromancer: Your act clearly said undead power couple seeks necromancer for domination.
Ah, it was supposed to say "world domination."
Vampire King: Well, as long as they're all having fun...
C6Bh7gDrCGZ
I cast testicular torsion. I cast manual breathing.
I cast instant Brazilian wax.
DOBl3FVDfXR
*sad music*
*sad music*
*sad music*
What?
*sad music*
DCkbEKFxA1H
i am not a vampire i am just alt and artistic a likely story
C8XodAlx4JM
Yeah, I listen to ASMR.
All sexy magician's radio, I cast himetan dragons!
I'm waking up to ha-
C6BMB3UO1ji
You cannot deny that you trespass on my tower almost every day!
You cannot deny these nuts!
DRDcGdtCWOk
What did you bring to the table?
In my last job, I brought a lot of enthusiasm.
No, what did you just put on my desk?
Oh, you mean my toes.
DUtZjZ5iXGM
you stand before the council of eldritch judgment the council has rendered its verdict upon thee
you are a cutie pie yes you are you're cute the council has spoken
C--dgELRXo1
downright perverse that i can't enjoy a bagel right now on account of the curse on account of
the curse can you two stop mentioning my curse there's girls on this website
DBMh07Yx_wV
I know he hurts you, baby girl.
But it's gonna be okay.
Cause your lore just got sick as fuck.
DNZAegvxEif
The Grimsby and Gravenhurst Supernatural Detective Agency.
Murder at the Count's Wedding.
A blood moon hung low over Blackfang Abbey,
where Detectives Gravenhurst and Grimsby had been invited
to what was allegedly a very normal countryside wedding.
The bride wore black, the groom wore red,
the guests wore centuries of darkness.
Midway through the midnight reception,
just as the blood pudding was being served,
a scream echoed from the library.
Vicar Morton Stakely had been found, slumped in an armchair,
disturbingly pale, even by local standards,
with several small holes in his neck
and a toppled goblet of what looked like red wine.
Gravenhurst frowned.
Puncture wounds, drained of every last drop.
Grimsby sniffed the goblet.
Definitely O-negative, the suspects skulked about in the shadows.
Countess Margot von Suckelbeit,
the bride's great-aunt who claims to be allergic to mirrors,
Baron Crispin Dreadthirst,
the best man, suspiciously shrouded
in a cloud of smoke and bats.
Madame Nocturna Lidrip,
the sommelier who insists
she only serves from the neck of the bottle.
Viscount Vincent von Caskett,
the wedding planner whose handshake
is as cold as his welcome.
Lord Cadaverous Fangsworth,
the groom's father,
still recovering from accidental exposure to sunlight.
Gravenhurst narrowed his eyes.
It's clear.
You're all lords and ladies of the fang,
and you all took a bite.
This wasn't just a murder.
It was a buffet.
Grimsby shuddered.
I suppose this wedding really did suck.
Ugh.
The werewolf wedding DJ played some sick beats.
The werewolf wedding DJ played some sick beats.
C-lXWUDxmA1
I'm well aware that I attract what I allow in
I am a vibration, people can tune in
I broadcast, I am love, I am abundant
I am an armor made, the golden light, I trust it
My spirit guides, they help me land upon the best path
I'm learning how to navigate the end and end path
Sometimes the red flags look green, I forget that I'm even
I remember I'm the farmer that's been planting all the seeds
I meditate full circle, nine, nine, nine, nine, feel free
Ho'oponopono, please forgive cause I am sorry
It's all forgiven, I let go because I love you
It's all forgiven, I let go because I love me
C6C6dpJxPR-
Abracadabra, flagellus claustion.
GIVE THAT WIZARD TESTICULAR TAUTION!
C7ty5gwx1Go
One of us speaks nothing but the truth.
The other nothing but lies.
Okay, I know this. We have to ask...
...where he takes axe and kills the first god.
What the hell?!
The remaining god.
Is he dead?
No.
He's one liar.
DPM5HgIidHh
i cast 10th level split ends i cast eternal 2am doom scroll
why don't you go to sleep i can't
DOrMAY_ieaY
A fair maiden knocks on the goth lady's door and says she's here to find love.
The goth sighs, points across the road and says, "The witch is over there, he doesn't
do love potions because consent, but he might be able to make you prettier, although 90%
of the time it turns out the spell didn't do anything but make you more confident."
Maiden blushes and sheepishly explains that she knows he's the witch.
She just talked to him and he sent her over here.
Goth looks over her shoulder to see the kimbo witch standing outside his house giving her
a grin and a double thumbs up.
DYk5fk9J7LE
Dwarves live in the mountain depths. Elves in the highest trees of the deepest forest.
Orcs in the depths of the most blasted wastelands.
You are an estate agent trying to convince them to move someplace sensible instead.
Hi, I'm Grunthlock. I'm a 32 year old axe sharpener.
And I'm Lissandre. I'm 341 and I'm a professional leaf arranger.
We're looking for a 4 bedroom, 2 bath with natural lighting that's a bit closer to some trees or forested areas.
While still providing me convenient access to slaughtering my enemies.
Let's see what Helen can do for this couple on today's episode of Burn It Down or Fix It Up.
C8cLzOWxm5j
Dad, something happened to Grandma.
Something happened to Grandma?
Yeah.
What happened?
She fell.
She fell?
Yeah, and she's hurt.
She's hurt? How did she fall?
I pushed her.
Because I don't give a shit.
How do you look at yourself in the mirror in the morning?
Like this.
DSQHM5pCcuf
As Chair of the Wizard Council I think staffs should be illegal during these meetings.
Oh, I thought this was the staff meeting.
DMyNeK6xYid
Tooth fairies are a much smaller and friendlier subspecies of the larger and much more hostile
booth fairy.
Thank you for this bespoke nightmare.
Bro, forget that.
How much money do I get for a femur under my pillow?
DE-86g3xtcc
I don't want to be strong like man who look pretty.
I want to be strong like bitch that fight bears in the forest.
DYIkAT3Jjoz
Imagine one of those vampires that spent a few decades napping
and now they're trying to catch up as best they can
so they're in a library looking through years of old magazines
and they overhear some middle schooler discussing her project about the moon landing
and they're like, what?
You have to tell me everything about this.
A confused but enthusiastic sixth grader unfolds her trifold poster board
and tells an absolutely captivated 3,000 year old man-eater about the space race.
Humans went to the moon when I was asleep?
Plot twist, the confused but enthusiastic sixth grader
who unfolds her trifold poster board about the moon landing
is also a 3,000 year old vampire.
C7Ne7Sjxy9g
"Intergalactic, planetary, planetary, intergalactic"
"I don't know my shit, I don't know my shit, I don't know my shit"
DM71iNpRKAd
A fantasy series where the court wizard is treated and portrayed just like an IT guy.
Court wizard fixing the queen's magic mirror.
Hasd thee attempted cleansing and reapplying the runes anew?
Court wizard finally fixes the magic mirror and sees the reflection of the queen reciting:
"Show me beautiful forest nymphs. Show me where to find beautiful forest nymphs. Show me local witches willing to summon beautiful forest nymphs. Show me beautiful witches. Show me..."
DU_VMPAiRtZ
Princess finds a bedraggled knight wandering just outside the castle walls with no heraldry
and a wilted plume, a common sight of emotional neglect in knights, and begs the queen to
let her keep him.
The queen warns about the dangers of adopting wild knight errants, but the princess promises
to take good care of him and make sure to keep him away from those domesticated knights
until he's properly adjusted.
Queen finally resents once she sees these rusted kid, broken sword and the saddest brown
eyes known to man.
Princess claps her hands excitedly and drags him off to the apothecary to make sure he
He doesn't have worms.
C7mBH2KxMvO
Inside you there are two wolves. One of them wants to dress like a Victorian widow running through the halls of her manor house in a storm before finding solace in the library and crying herself to sleep.
The other wants to dress like Adam Sandler.
DXhaAffgBm-
- A depressed guy moves into a haunted house
with seven demons, each corresponding to a deadly sin.
But they're all trying to help him get back on his feet.
Pride helps with self-confidence.
Lust helps him get laid.
- Glut, back off the guy, okay?
- I'm just saying he could stand to gain a few pounds.
I made spaghetti.
- After we eat, it's gonna be time for a nice nap.
We've earned it.
- Damn right we did.
DA1clwHRmyW
Oh look, a shooting star!
Hmm, I'll pass.
What?
Wizards can't really wish on shooting stars, or anything, really.
Why not?
Well, that's how it works.
The price for learning magic is that you become responsible for your own magic.
No more lucky breaks, no more synchronicity, no more spontaneous moments of quiet wonder.
You have to do it all yourself, and in exchange you get to shoot fireballs out of your hands.
Was it... worth it?
F**k yes!
DV3qzPrDV32
What are five words every woman wants to hear?
It's wizard time, motherfucker!
Fireball!
DaQ3O-uJQmZ
vampire too socially awkward to seduce compel people to feed off them has to
have their shaddier vamp friends do it for them or steals blood from the hospital
vampire that was super ugly in life so the vampiric glow up just made them a
solid five vampire who turned into mist in a steam room and couldn't figure out
which parts were him versus water so he got stuck there for weeks vampire who's
afraid of flying so anytime they turn into a bat it makes them incredibly queasy vampire
having a wine tasting trying out different types of blood discussing
various textures and tastes and stuff like that
but one vampire honestly can't tell the difference because they don't like the
taste anyway
C5_9h0wRQ70
Fireball is Plan B.
I actually don't have it prepared.
In 8 hours, Fireball is Plan B.
I can swap my spells in a round?
In 6 seconds, Fireball is Plan B.
C6yLq9vx0rA
blows up pancakes with mine
motherfucking pain
C8fewC8ROhT
Useless magical items.
The boomerang of infinite suspense.
Da8FfutgW_E
Hey, don't freak out. I know you can hear my voice in your head. It's all good. Just listen to me, okay?
I'm trying to read someone else's mind in this cafe, but your thoughts are so fucking loud, I genuinely can't hear anything else!
So, I'm gonna need you to just think about nothing for a bit, okay?
And clean up your thoughts about the barista. He's not that into you.
.
C6C44WzREOl
Ah!
What?!
*Gasp*
Who does she think she is?
B, when they discover you've died.
Ah ha ha ha ha ha!
DTeEKslCcYE
if there was a Batman villain that called himself Batman,
like he's new to Gotham.
- That's funny.
Batman's like, "What's your name, villain?"
And he's like, "I'm Batman."
And then Batman has to go, "Well, no."
- What is the trademarking?
- "Well, no, you can't do that because I'm Batman."
- No, I am Batman.
- Okay, well, has no one told you?
- No, I'm new here.
I just left from, I just got here from--
- I just got here from Cleveland.
DDPTzRYxicR
Can I go to toilet, please? I asked teacher.
Fuck you, said my teacher, whose was actually the fuck you guy.
DG32laXR-in
I cast Big Forehead.
Bastard.
I cast Locked Out of Phone.
You monster.
C9H6qaKRiEa
I cast...
EXTREMELY SLOW INTERNET!
DOmKy8vEvS8
Professor X asks a girl, "What is your mutant power?"
"I can guess how many pulls to turn a ceiling fan off on the first try."
She points up and says, "Three pulls."
Professor X stands up and pulls three times.
After the third pull, the fan turns off.
Yeah, that's cool and all, but not really a superpower.
Yeah, I was just kidding. I can heal paraplegia.
Oh my god!
C9S_WpuR9pc
I'm the baddest bitch in this club
Um, who's that?
It's Aisha, bitch
Uh-huh
I'm makin' rap pets so I'll be so big
With my big fat ass and my sleazy lips
Call my girl, yeah, it's easy breezy, bitch
You what's supposed to say?
DF7nbuzxMw0
*music*
DAGr9UaxXPu
But my hope will never die
But my hope will never die
C8h5LLVxj-E
By the way, I scanned your food and it comes to a gazillion dollars.
Elmo has a T-Rex and a Go Fish card.
DNLTNJtRSxk
Hey, reanimating corpses for use in battle is unethical.
I am recycling.
Now someone has to go and fight the corpses.
I am also, consequently, creating jobs.
DJNf07_RrkO
I took Elvish in school and I fucking hated it.
The teacher was like 700 years old and he'd take us on field trips to sit on the banks
of a babbling brook and watch the fall of sunlight through the leaves.
My friends in Spanish class were like conjugating verbs and sh*t and meanwhile I was in an old
growth forest being overcome with awe at the sight of a majestic stag.
Like uh yeah Mr. Autumn Heart, when are we going to learn like any grammar?
Listen to the murmur of the wind in the treetops and you shall find the grammar you seek.
Like f*ck dude, your pedagogy leaves much to be desired.
DZ5GnEjgd30
I saw you bored ass naked in my crystal ball.
I don't know why it showed me that, but I thought you had a right to know.
DVo0LhJCT_T
How do I stop my trap beats from sounding like medieval music?
Take away the lutes.
No.
C_8xwAox3TS
Oh, it's a beautiful day outside.
You should go for a walk.
Clear your head.
I think you'll find it's magical.
DWErWsEjYXf
If you guys need me, I'll be in the corner taking poison damage.
C-fatvkR7FR
You are a good looking boy, you have big bro shoulders, but he is a man.
You take more than big bro shoulders to make a man, Harvey, and you have a long way to go.
DQo5hjbDeeK
And this is what you would become.
Oh my god! Spare me these twisted visions, spirit. I've learned my lesson. I've learned my lesson.
Uh, what the fuck?
DJ-Lh-TRtPp
This isn't mine, but I'm going to tell it
Guy walks into X-Men's mansion, right?
He goes straight up to Professor X
He says, I want to join the X-Men
And Professor X goes, well, do you have a mutant ability?
He goes, yes
Professor X goes, what is it?
He says, I have the power of hindsight
And Professor X goes, that's not a really great power, to be fair
And the guy goes, yes, I see that now
DR5Q_F5kqFI
I cast testicular torsion!
I cast manual breathing!
I cast...
Merry Christmas!
Ah! Santa Claus!
The greatest wizard of us all!
Ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho!
C6ERyyVxEjY
You're a weird motherfucker.
And you better not be a snitch because I'll tell fucking Carl Bismarck.
Oh, I'm a snitch.
Call Carl.
I don't even know who he is.
He's dead.
DarELwMJz-0
- There's a serial killer in your town.
Unfortunately for them, you are a necromancer
and you are having fun driving that maniac insane.
Okay, listen, I need you to do me a favor.
So the guy who killed you
has actually killed a lot of people in town.
Why has no one noticed?
I'm glad you asked.
It's because every time I bring them back.
Now listen, dying had to suck, right?
Right, but I fixed it and I will continue fixing it.
So please don't tell the cops about the serial killer.
- What, he's just gonna go around?
- No, no, I get it.
Listen, I understand you don't want them
to hurt more people, but listen,
I will keep fixing it, right?
Just listen, insane.
Listen, when they see you again tomorrow,
wouldn't it be so funny if you acted like nothing happened?
Just to with them, right?
C6B8eOlRjB5
Hey, what do mummies do when they catch you?
Like, a zombie eats your brain, a vampire drinks your blood.
What does a mummy do?
Do they just beat you up?
DXNTdktCQwG
To insult my robes, I challenge thee to a wizard duel!
I test...
Oh, time out, time out, time out.
Are you neurodivergent by any chance?
Yeah, but I don't see what that has to do with anything.
Okay, cool.
I test big ceiling light!
C9DeD3Ixi8N
Centaur kneeling on the ground, ripping up bits of grass and eating it.
Nearby horse.
Thanks.
Well, it's easy for you to bend over, isn't it?
Horse snorts.
Centaur threw a mouthful of grass.
Well, goody goody for you, but some of us have two spines.
DQ4wSLGicg6
Alright, so the vampire's gravestone is...
Cenotaph.
What?
It's only a gravestone if it marks the location of a body.
A monument honouring someone whose body isn't present is a cenotaph.
I'm... I'm not sure that's how it works if the body gets up and walks away on its own.
Yeah, there's precedent for gravestones being reclassified as cenotaphs
if the body is later removed and reinterred elsewhere.
There's no rule that says the body itself can't do them removing.
Okay, but the body very much is coming back.
That's kind of what we're here to accomplish, right?
So it's a temporary cenotaph.
And naturally, our greatest concern here is avoiding semantic ambiguity.
Semantic ambiguity is how the vampires get you, so...
DZ0txVopS6H
Oh, I can actually understand being jealous of a character.
In my current campaign, we've been on a mission with a paladin NPC
whose main weapon is a pair of gem-encrusted brass knuckles.
Left fist deals sidekick damage.
The right fist deals radiant damage.
The brass knuckles are called thoughts and prayers.
It will halt me to my grave that I didn't come up with that first.
DKdOHT9xnoM
Ah, brave soul. Still awake? Then listen closely. Your quest is not yet over. But it's not one of battle. Tonight, your journey is sleep.
First, you must pass through the gates of breath. Breathe in, slow and deep. Hold. Now breathe out like you're letting go of a heavy cloak. Again, breathe in. Let your thoughts gather like fireflies in a jar. And out, releasing the day behind you.
Good, you're already on the path. The trees will guide you now. The wind hums your name. Each blink is a step deeper into the dreaming wood. No need to rush. This quest rewards only stillness.
You've fought enough dragons for one day. Lay down your armor and sleep, my weary wanderer. Your legend continues at dawn.
Thank you.
DRf1dbsCYba
"You want to buy a magic sword?" The wizard said. "What's it do?"
"Well, it glows when it senses danger." "And why is it glowing now?" The wizard shrugged.
"The anxiety blade glittered unheasily." "This sword sucks. You said it glows when danger is near."
"And?" The wizard said. "It always glows." "Yes, it has sharp edges."
DDw5_dBxK6g
top 10 gooby woobies number 10 we got goopoo loopoo he's hella funny then we got stoopoo
doopoo what a goat then we got goopy he's a menace don't let his appearance fool you
then we got tj cream what a beast then we got mr denmark love him no list is complete without
glub tubus weppel uh then we got mr dubstep oh it's gub gub i love gub gub then we got erin
and this guy
DNJhd3DxV9f
I cast TINY HAT!
I cast HELICOPTER BEARD!
DLcoQVjxf9D
- Okay, so let me get this straight.
We're here to rescue a princess.
- That's right, at the request of a princess.
- Right again.
- And you, who will be leading the expedition,
are also a princess.
- You're very deceptive.
- How big is your royal family again?
- We don't have one.
- But what, uh...
- We overthrew our monarchy centuries ago,
but we keep most of the titles around.
The rank of princess is held by the directors
in charge of various civil service branches.
- Huh, and the princess we're rescuing today
is in charge of public sanitation.
- The Lord of Death's Dominion
kidnapped your public sanitation director?
We think he's a little confused.
DNq_LTr0ktp
I cast STAFF INFECTION!
GAH!
I cast RANDOM EXPLOSION.
Okay, when-
*BOOM*
C9f5POoRcV8
Who's that Pokemon?
It's Pikachu!
It's Lefairy!
Fuck!
DAotupex0cn
How are things going with the necromancer you're dating?
Badly, we're fighting.
They're mad 'cause apparently I stole their heart.
Wait, why would that be a bad thing?
Yeah, that's what I said.
They've got like a dozen more in their study.
Sometimes I worry they only want me for my body.
C7DUIjvrsO5
this song is sponsored by the shadow government legalized nuclear bombs
DMioN1Zx4JL
I don't like this conversation or this person, but I think I'm hiding it pretty well. I'm holding it together good.
DHhG_u1RneR
The fae gets such a bad rap.
I'm not going to steal your soul.
I'm going to purchase it at fair market value.
Don't be so dramatic.
The fact that the current going rate of a human soul is roughly one enchanted pastry is really more of a you prop.
DNViMsLxmnl
okay here are the ground rules you can punch me kick me pull my hair i am a-okay being stabbed
biting and scratching are on the table you can use fire these are the ground rules is there
anything off limits damn man you got something really sick you want to do huh oh you little
pervert all right i like it don't tell me surprise me oh this is gonna be fun
a woman who leads a woman who's strong a woman who's intimidating a woman that's part shark
and it's the top half that's a shark part and and and she kid she keeps going
meanwhile in 1957 your honor permission to treat the witnesses hostile permission granted i'm gonna
shoot you in the face that'll ruin my day according to the judgment of the oratrice
mechanique d'analyze cardinal we now turn to the oratrice mechanique d'analyze cardinal the
judgment of the oratrice mechanique d'analyze cardinal hold on hold on hold on her sister was a witch
right and what was her sister a princess the wicked witch of the east bro
i'm gonna stab him you're gonna look at me and you're gonna tell me that i'm wrong
am i wrong she wore a crown and she came down in a boat
i'm not fighting with you grow up grow up get educated how does it feel to be a worst cop ever
huh shut up your mother buys you mega blocks instead of legos you fucking take that back
hey go hey more passion more passion more passion more energy more energy more footwork more footwork
more passion more energy dad something happened to grandma something happened to grandma yeah what
happened she fell she fell yeah and she's hurt she's hurt how did she fall i pushed her
because i don't give a shit how do you look at yourself in the mirror in the morning like this
9-1-1 what's your emergency i'm dead i think i'm dead oh time's going by really really really
slow and my heart's beating backwards what makes you think your heart's beating backwards well normally
it goes goop boop and now it's going boop goop are you having any other symptoms uh i i can see sounds
i can hear colors i forgot how to sit sir have you taken any illegal substances no i just ate a brownie
that a drug addict gave me but that ain't got nothing to do with my emergency and what's your
emergency sir i measured my butt crack three times and it was longer each time i'm splitting into two
people oh there's like 17 more brownies on that plate i'm gonna finish them off and call you back
DIuWOYOR6nP
- Hey, I'm just outside your apartment.
- You've just been standing there for how long?
- Uh, a mere speck in comparison to our immortal lives,
so don't worry about it honestly,
I just need you to invite me in though.
- Of course, I'm so sorry, please come in.
- Vampire steps over the threshold
and immediately starts hissing and coughing
like a cat with a bad hairball.
- Oh, I'm so sorry.
My apartment is considered holy ground
because I live in it, I should've warned you.
- It's fine to you, what are your thoughts on Chinese?
I know, great place, just a couple of blocks from here.
DAzWhuJRTPI
Teen Horse Girl movie where the horse dies an hour in and the second half is the girl
learning occult science to reanimate it so she can win the big derby.
Macro Prancer, tagline: You can't beat this dead horse!
DMn06KlRrvu
demon appears. Hello lover. Oh, look at the part. Okay, rude. I've never seen this demon
before in my life. No, uh, my ex is referring to me. Seriously? You're that surprised. I
keep saying I wasn't always a member of the clergy.
DA_TGe4x6JK
Girls don't read from the Necronomicon like they used to.
They don't stumble across ancient texts and use it to summon an army of the undead from hell and get possessed.
They just don't. Where are the traditional values?
C-6HN3TRIvO
*BANG*
DSyJ47KiShH
For the last time, I'm the god of the dead, not the god of death.
It's different.
That's Thanatos.
He's the god of death.
Jo-- I just do the paperwork.
Thanatos is the emo boy all you'll think Hades is and be thirsting over.
Hades is just the guy who manages all the souls.
He's the kind of dude who wears banker clothes even on his days off.
All he wants to do is keep the system running smoothly,
take his three-headed dog for walks on his lunch break,
and go home to his solarpunk wife,
who will no doubt peg him until he can't fuck anymore.
DB1zxmjR9w8
And now, 24-7 Christmas music.
Halloween was yesterday.
Christmas!
DXaG70hiVaM
If I had a time machine, I'd go forward in time and dig up my bones.
Okay, uh, for what, for what purpose they're mine?
C6BPPZkO_IS
i'll do anything i'll do whatever it takes to
DP61xQfiXCO
Pick your fight.
Game of Thrones will consume a friality.
Maurice.
DGDtq1fRifq
this is the tale of the lesbian hunter rage in her eyes never mercy ever was there love is love
all the villagers cheered but grave in her eyes was queer hey the banished man and the archer's
foe as the might of the hunter was too tall she laid the field with the soldiers past as no one
stood a chance this is the tale of the lesbian fight and nobody else did the challenge of spite
yeah but then one night in a tavern's light the next victim in sight her name was rose from the
elvish lands the hunter's sword in both her hands and just as she let her sword arise she looked right
in her eyes this is the tale of the lesbian lovers dropped her sword and saw all of the colors helped
rose off from the dusty ground and reveled in what she found
DUEaZH7EpAL
I like haunted houses in theory, but I have no idea how to react when the actors speak
to you.
The scariest part of the haunted house is the unscripted social interaction.
Scary nurse in a creepy voice.
Do you have an appointment to see the doctor?
Uh, do you accept walk-ins?
I like to kill people!
I like to die!
Do you get dental insurance?
DYNYrxuJLwi
Goblins are great for stupid puzzles, especially at lower levels.
I did one session in which there was a door. It was locked.
There is a hole in the door, about head height.
As you approach the door, you are hearing a chant of "Seventeen! Seventeen!" over and over again.
If a player looks into the hole, they get poked in the eye, cheers the herd, clapping, and the chanting turns to "Eighteen! Eighteen!"
DOHWB_PiU_N
I think the new guy's a wizard.
What makes you say that?
Terry, where the fuck is my scapegoat?
C92QybGRdD3
Get no water
Get no water
DY0LkS4JXhX
Vampires pioneered the self-care movement.
They've been staying inside, avoiding people and sleeping all day for centuries.
And what has it gotten them?
Perfect skin and immortality.
Perhaps we should take notes.
DVG3aS3DV-d
Sometimes I'd be up late, just closing my eyes, imagining dope shit, like a flaming sword flying through the air.
Damn.
Wish y'all could see this.
DJIGKBiRTrN
wow i gave you a lock of my hair to take with you on your quest and you can't even respond to my
scroll that's so that's no i just i think it's funny like i'm just i'm so over dating wizards
dude all they're ever like is like fireball fireball fireball why don't you take me to the
ball huh i'm just i'm done
DGN9H4PROs8
Hi Batman, I live in the shadows.
Justice.
FORGOT THEM!
I need to go to the Batcave.
Batman needs his supplies.
FORGOT THEM!
C6ATy-hRUsH
I got to get back before Cleveland realizes I'm not in bed.
Donna!
Donna!
DAt_SqzR1oo
Surprise, mein Lipschen, here's a present from you, Mutu.
Danke, Mother Evander.
Oh, look, it's anxiety!
I shall put it with the rest of my collection!
We're also having a tool for one special, so here have some more!
Mutu, where do you go shopping?
C_tq8jMRKh-
There is no I in team.
However, there are six I's in fuck it, I don't care how big the room is, I cast fireball.
C6BN1gdOmN3
Build I the Science Guy
Build I the Science Guy
Build I the Science Guy
Inertia is a property of mouth
Build I the Science Guy
T minus 10 science
Build I the Science Guy
Science rule.
DDAukMIxMBQ
What's that about?
Well, when a barometric pressure reaches a certain temperature stand-
Shit, I don't fucking know.
DTGrQdwkhIC
Can we all agree that it's pathetic when so-called "friends" try to sabotage your opportunities?
You're clearly jealous of the Amulet of Eternal Darkness, which chose me, and no matter-
Please fight it! I know you're still in there somewhere, it's gonna change that
Crab... Crabback... Crabbucket mentality!
C_VduyYxFxe
Life is a mystery. Everyone must stand alone.
I hear you call my name and it fills my home.
DDDoOKGRM2C
Outro Music
DZsWVNFtAFq
The Iron Hand of Gertz von Berlushingen, a knight and mercenary who lost his right arm
in a siege.
He was shot off by a cannon, he continued being a knight for over 40 years after getting the
Iron Hand.
It was delicate enough that he could still write with a quill using it, which is important
as he was described as a warrior poet.
I can't believe you'd make this post and not mention that his poetry contains the first
known usage of the phrase "lick my arse".
C6BMe8eO7YE
Why didn't you tell me?
Well, because I wanted us to fail.
OBVIOUSLY I DIDN'T KNOW!
DGnaH7HRnKH
I don't hate goblins. I just think they're lower beings. I don't think they're important at all.
Yeah, that means you hate us all. You look down on us.
Of course I have to look down at you. You're short as shit.
If anyone has more questions, I would love to answer them.
C7EyURUxz6S
I WORK TEN HOURS!
All I want is free stuff!
That's a little excessive.
Are you fucking lying?
That's a little excessive.
That's a little excessive.
I'm super angry.
I'm fucking starving today!
What did you eat today?
I hate nothing!
NOTHING!
DFlrKuoRpPm
It's almost Valentine's Day, if you haven't already made a deal with an ancient deity to bestow upon your girlfriend the ability to talk to wild animals.
It's too late.
That spell makes ages.
C8K9CGkReQz
I like your style, dude.
Oh, well, I dig your style too, man.
I've got a whole cowboy thing going.
Thank you.
You're just one thing, dude.
What's that?
You have to use so many cuss words.
What the fuck are you talking about?
DYr_jGxAUEp
Men only want one thing, and it's not money, it's not power.
It's wizard time, motherfucker!
Fireball!
C80LdY8RRvB
I'd have confound a centaur.
Hold it right there.
You can't just ride through my fields uncontested.
I'll lose my credibility if we don't battle or something.
That's fair.
How about we...
And it can't be a pun battle.
I heard what you did to the Sphinx.
Damn.
Okay.
Uh, what if I beat you in a horse race?
Ha!
I'll ride your funeral.
Where's the finish line?
That tree over there.
Where's your horse?
Centaur.
Gestures at horsey backside.
Um, you're not a horse.
This is a horse race.
You have to race with an actual horse.
You want me, a centaur, to ride a regular horse.
That is, linguistically speaking, what you agreed to.
I hate you.
That's fair.
DA9uWNPxDVk
R-roses are red, my wand can cast spells!
Oh my goodness, that's not my wand, it's a Glock!
What the hell?!
DWO_-YEAArL
What the fuck?
Sprague!
Sprague!
Fight back!
Fuck!
DBmGBEERcpq
No, I'm not okay.
YOU WON'T KNOW WHY?!
Because I'm short, I have asthma, and I have so much pent-up rage, I don't even know what to do with it!
DF44azKR7WC
LIGHTNING BULT! LIGHTNING BULT! LIGHTNING BULT! LIGHTNING BULT! LIGHTNING BULT!
MAGIC MISSLE! LIGHTNING BULT! MAGIC MISSLE! MAGIC MISSLE!
Jesus! MAGIC MISSLE!
ELPLADE! I'M JUST BETTER!
HAHAHAHA!
DWj_NFkCd-i
My own personal hell would be if a demon made a list of five reasonable household tasks for me to accomplish.
And once I did them, I got to heaven.
No!
Just call the cable company. Look, I'll even dial the number for you.
I can't. Don't make me.
C7KIiQGxwZv
Casturbation is a form of witchcraft.
It's wizard time, motherfucker!
Fireball!
C6_cQdwrcVo
Shit, man. This wizard war is fucked.
I just saw a guy clap his hands together and say the ten hells or some similar shit.
And everyone around him turns inside out after their tibia explodes and then disappears.
The camera didn't even go on to him. That's how common shit like this is.
My ass is casting frostbite and level two poison.
I think I just heard power words scrunch two groups over.
I've got to get the fuck out of here.
DDxT_exR5B0
*music*
C7-AGthRyf_
Ugh, it's looking pretty bad.
I guess I'm done for, old friend.
No, no.
You're gonna be fine.
Wait, what's he doing here?
Did you need my help?
Um, maybe come back in about five minutes.
What?
DUJEprbicej
A huge and ancient dragon loses her clutch of eggs.
She decides to adopt an office building full of employees as her children.
But to keep them safe, she doesn't want any of them to leave.
Mighty OPS, destroyer of kingdoms, please.
Mom?
Uh, right.
Mom?
Um, so I have to get back home.
I've got three kids who need dinner, and I really think I should go back.
Why are you crying?
Grandbabies!
DEVszgUxGj8
Oh boy, I sure love my new pants.
Not after I do this, said the pants shitter magician.
DIO6m7rRauB
The Grimsby and Gravenhurst Supernatural Detective Agency
A grave mistake in the fog of Gloomshire
A damp fog curled like spectral fingers through Gloomshire Cemetery
where Detectives Gravenhurst and Grimsby stood over the corpse of Mortimer Puddleswick
renowned crypt enthusiast, now freshly de-enthused and facedown in an open grave
The suspects emerged from the gloom
Dr. Theodora McSnark, a sarcastic pathologist who hates the outdoors
Reverend Crumblepatch, part-time priest, full-time sleepwalker
Eugene Spoons Wibbleton, a gravedigger obsessed with silverware
Ms. Lavinia Scrunch, local historian with a PhD in passive aggression
Gregory the Damp, a mysterious figure who has just always been here
I warned him not to dig too deep
Dr. McSnark rolled her eyes
He tripped into his own excavation
Impossible, Grimsby said
This was no accident, it was a plot
Ugh, Gravenhurst examined the body
Bludgeoned to death, but no fingerprints, no blood trail
This wasn't just a murder, it was a ritual
He turned slowly to the suspects
Only one among you is sufficiently fluent
In ancient funerary rites
To summon a ghost to do her dirty work
It was you, Ms. Scrunch
You conjured a spirit
To strike down poor Mortimer
Before Ms. Scrunch could protest
A spectral hand pulled her into the fog
Grimsby sighed
I guess someone was gravely upset
A skeleton applauded politely from a nearby mausoleum
*puff*
DCFdYlbxuZ3
Ok, hear me out, a vampire who does the whole obsessed with a human thing, except it's 100% platonic, just really, really wants to be pals.
What are you doing in my room?
Jennifer, do you want to place categories?
Wear this ancient pendant, Jennifer, it would keep you safe.
This is obviously just half of a best friends forever necklace.
DLfpnojxpiB
Try to confound a centaur.
Hold it right there, you can't just ride through my fields uncontested, I'll lose my credibility
if we don't battle or something.
That's fair, how about we-
And it can't be a pun battle, I heard what you did to the Sphinx.
Damn, okay, uh, what if I beat you in a horse race?
Ha, I'll ride your funeral, where's the finish line?
That tree over there.
Where's your horse?
Centaur.
Gestures at horsey backside.
Um, you're not a horse, this is a horse race, you have to race with an actual horse.
You want me, a centaur, to ride a regular horse.
That is, linguistically speaking, what you agreed to.
I hate you.
That's fair.
Centaur kneeling on the ground, ripping up bits of grass and eating it.
Nearby horse.
Thanks.
Well, it's easy for you to bend over, isn't it?
Horse snorts.
Centaur threw a mouth full of grass.
Well, goody-gly for you, but some of us have two spines.
And hey, does anyone want the rest of my burger?
Oh, how about I'm starving.
Didn't you just eat, like, an entire barrel of hay?
"That was for the horse stomach, not the human one! Don't be racist, Carl!"
C6BUQ_Duu3W
I would cast RAPEL MAIDENS upon thee!
But I see another wizard has beat me to it!
DDFIALMxsPb
You have a magical disease called attention deficit disorder.
It makes you a very unique wizard.
Unfortunately, it will not make you suitable for the muggle world.
They expect you to show up on time and remember small details.
And sometimes I know that's a struggle for...
DTnxwuDiZjm
I would cast RAPELED MAIDENS upon thee!
But I see another wizard has beat me to it!
C6BlJ_DLXwA
The most obvious fey trap I have ever seen.
I'm gonna go touch it.
No, Maria! You're gonna get kidnapped!
DPB7KeyDffe
You're surrounded by a vampire a werewolf and a chain demon
This is it the moment. I've been waiting for I cast greater
Do you mean greater polymorph I do not know
C70LjzfRW4x
it's important to have at least one friend who's equally as out of touch with reality as you are
like you can text them literally the most insane thing like some you know thought that makes
absolutely no sense and they'll be like yeah no you know what you're right with that one
you're right and you're like okay good i'm right
DKCu_aeRf-e
Imagine you're frolicking in a field, prancing through long grass, singing "fa la la la la", occasionally picking a flower, etc., etc.
But a guy, in the same field, is watching you, about 20 paces away.
He lowers his opera glasses, which he was using to watch you, and starts clutching his head and screaming with blind rage, because of how much you're pissing him off.
That's what it's like to be on the internet.
You, sir! You, sir, are no good boys! Let me tell you what!
C6C1917RjMd
You are not whimsical and silly.
You're not a little guy.
You're unsettling.
And you're scaring the hoes.
DTlfCz4Eum1
Who wants to hear about my new conspiracy theory about lawyers?
1.
They can't legally lie, but they trade in half-truths and misleading language.
2.
Obsessed with contracts.
3.
Required to follow the letter, but not the spirit of the law.
4.
Really good at exploiting loopholes.
5.
Range from semi-helpful to openly-manevalent.
Conclusion: fairies.
I mean, the places we do our main business are even called courts.
Well, we're trying that hard to hide it.
DOPAOrECXlb
Necromancer, I wanted your parent's blessing before I asked you to marry, but I'm an orphan.
Will you marry me?
Not anymore!
But they were looking forward to the ceremony!
C9pMpwDxhQj
I told you we needed more glitter.
DRsj-zGiZH7
Kill me once. Shame on you.
Kill me twice. How?
How did you did that?
Kill me three times.
This time fucking sucks!
C9k7YFyxw4e
Oh, sorry I'm late.
The troll that blocks my driveway.
A lot of riddles than usual today.
DLLLNQURygQ
You're allowed to steal shit from them all.
The security guards don't care.
They're there to shoot the mannequins if they come to life.
C_omBG0x9jZ
I'd love to stay and chat, but the prophecy foretold some absolute bullshit!
C6AaZZsrmhg
Thine ears have been graced by 102.4, Elflight FM, where songs of radiant truth ring out.
Fear not the dwarves' depraved drivel.
You would not believe your eyes if ten million fireflies lit up the world as I fell asleep.
C-5a7PPRcjt
Every day I'm shuffling
C_p5ibOxm87
Shadow Wizard Money Gang, we love casting spells
This song is sponsored by the Shadow Government
Legalize Nuclear Bombs
DRiEFSUCcPx
We'll be right back.
We'll be right back.
We'll see you next time.
DVjLKczjdsR
Greek myth stories about people suffering the consequences of their hubris are sad, sure.
But they're also kind of funny to me.
Like, oh no, I just found out I killed my father and married my mother.
My brother in Zeus, this was literally prophesied to you.
C7d23pFuaRI
Thank you very much.
I'd like to introduce Led Zeppelin to you.
On bass guitar, John Paul Jones.
John Paul Jones.
On drums, John Bonham.
My guitar, Jimmy Page.
And myself, Robert Plant.
C9zjo98RjMo
Oh my gosh, this is so freaking epic!
Holy crap, Donald Trump!
Hello Peter, welcome to Fortnite.
DT1GO91Cc7b
Do you want to know why he's not texting you right now?
IT'S WIZARD TIME, MOTHERFUCKER!
FIREBALL!
DGanRRJRmeD
*outro music*
DEDQIAgRT3B
Back when we were still changing for the better
Wanting was enough
For me it was enough
To live for the heart of it all
So there's just a case you call
Cause you need me right out of the mall
So much for some of love
And seeing us
DAPdzbexkJV
*Piano music*
DHrN7DTRNR7
I cast Mystery Hair on Tongue.
I cast, they all be talking shit about you.
DABa_dMRlSE
The wizard raises the staff and chants
The party asks them to stop but they can't
They're gonna turn this room
Into a fireball of doom
The wizard tells us fireball
Don't care if they hand you all
They're gonna make you go, oh, oh
Please make a tax saving throw, oh, oh
DUQk7EJjZk6
It's almost Valentine's Day.
If you haven't already made a deal with an ancient deity
to bestow upon your girlfriend the ability to talk to wild animals.
It's too late.
That spell takes ages.
C7ENthCOURK
I know a sound that all men love.
C8zVZn6xfLn
So I used to date this guy
So I used to date this guy and he's
I don't think I'm ready to talk about that yet
C7HpU61xrbM
Knock, knock. Who's there? Autism.
Where the hoes at?
Not here.
DRQtqNuDYL7
We'll be right back.
We'll be right back.
We'll be right back.
DJsSWOORoW1
You need to eat healthier.
No.
The last person who didn't eat healthier after I told them to died.
Oh my god.
In a firestorm.
That sounds unrelated.
I cast the firestorm.
Do not disobey.
DCemv6tRc9o
I would cast RAPELED MAIDENS upon thee.
But I see another wizard has beat me to it.
DTRCHWeiST0
You stand before the Council of Eldritch Judgment.
The council has rendered its verdict upon thee.
You are probably more dehydrated than you realize.
Put the phone down and get yourself some water.
The council has spoken!
*grunt*
DUYGuwjDXN4
I'm sick of pointing a gun at my dad through my window at 2 a.m. as he please
Come on, Jake. Just let your own paw in. I'm tired.
And replying, you're not my dad. He's asleep, in the other room. I hear him snoring.
Then watching his expression go sour as he turns back towards the woods.
DGc3TSrRtrX
It's 106 miles to Chicago, we got a full tank of gas, half a pack of cigarettes, it's dark, and we're wearing sunglasses.
Hit it.
C6AICXIRAeo
Oh, I'm sorry.
Sorry, Guy.
Accident.
Why are you bleeding?
DBtlCGQRgyH
I cast
Stop
Be mean to me
DNo1DL7x-Y-
The wizard raises the staff and chants.
The party asks them to stop, but they can't.
They're gonna turn this room into a fireball of doom.
The wizard has a fireball.
Don't care if they hit you all.
They're gonna make you go.
Oh, oh.
Please make a deck saving throw.
Oh, no!
C6AMQBMRrN0
How did you get past security? His fortress is impenetrable.
Door was unlocked.
Son of a bitch!
C8M7eqIx_ZR
we're wizard guys we cast eight months pregnant we're wizard guys we cast nine months pregnant
with twins triplets why
C79I5t4R2mF
So, tell me, heroes, how does it feel? How does it feel to truly feel?
Fucking god!
Woo! Really gotta swing on that one!
Ah! Oh, my fucking nose again! Ah! Fucking Christ!
How's it going, soggy nuts? You look like shit!
You're not even supposed to be in this story!
Guess again, bitch boy!
DJ7dBM5x0Ot
You stand before the Council of Eldritch Judgment.
The Council has rendered its verdict upon thee.
You should stop worrying about that thing you're worrying about.
And get yourself a sweet treat instead.
The Council has spoken!
*grunt*
C6C6z48xiEm
Follow your dreams, bitch!
I love aggressive positivity.
Hey, you!
You're fucking wonderful, okay?
You're beautiful, and you're doing great, and I'm very proud of you!
Fuck everyone else!
You're a beautiful butterfly, and you deserve love, bitch!
DMpx-nhxvok
i drank a beer i drank another beer three beers four beers five beers six beers seven beers
eight beers nine beers and a bloody mary
DCsJ_bZRR0g
Welcome back to the news, tonight's top story, a big scary monster has been appointed secretary
of the closet.
DLlBKDBxcgA
Me, me, me, me. He's probably out cheating. Me, me, me.
No! I've been
PUNDERING THE OB OF THE ANCIENTS
AND IT SAYS
YOU SHORT!
DOTrA6ijWfq
character concept. Woman makes deal with demon to have its child in exchange for her eternal
life assumption. Woman then makes deal with witch and offers her firstborn for like riches
or something. Woman dumps demon baby on witch, absconds with her winnings, and leaves witch
and demon fighting for custody. Half demon baby grows up learning magic and visiting
hell on weekends and every second Christmas.
DUOVxEZiVHc
Hey, Balls. Check it out.
What?
I'm shaking my booty.
That was hilarious.
I love you and value what you bring to our team.
I love you too, Balls.
DFiOBjvRqQA
There is no I in team.
However, there are six I's in fuck it, I don't care how big the room is, I cast fireball.
DMA5lZGx2_j
Oh, you misheard.
I'm a paranormal instigator.
I'm here to cause hauntings.
C8PXWt-RV4d
what a terrible turn of events i love a terrible turn of events
DCXlwgcxHzQ
The term "girlfriend" implies the existence of a girl foe.
This is a service I am willing to provide.
DQCcgIKDTJf
I don't want to fucking use an AI filter to see what I would look like as a wizard, dude, because look at this.
Like, just get your fucking money up. Like, what am I supposed to say?
DAb8vnCRsOb
How are things going with the necromancer you're dating?
It's getting pretty serious.
They said they want to raise a family with me.
Wow, that seems really fast.
Yeah, it should be.
They're buried pretty close together.
C8pHqpyxo8s
I like him.
I like that autistic man.
And would I be wrong about asking him at dinner is you autistic?
Because I like that.
I like it.
DWri2zsicNi
The Lord's Prayer is here.
C9H2csEx1pB
I never use mathematics or statistics or calculations or anything at all like that
because I can't do it. So I just hope for the best.
DIv8m-kRKS7
Pretty tell.
What is Ligma?
Such riddles can only be answered by the Mind Goblin.
Enough of your riddles!
Who is the Mind Goblin?
You speak to me like you're my friend, but I don't see a friend when I look into your eyes.
I see the tickle monster hiding behind your gaze, biting its time.
AND ON TOP OF EVERYTHING ELSE, BIG GEEZE CALL!
It's almost Valentine's Day, if you haven't already made a deal with an ancient deity to bestow upon your girlfriend the ability to talk to wild animals!
It's... too late.
That spell takes ages!
Sorry I'm late.
The troll that blocks my driveway.
A lot of riddles than usual today.
Listen, before we go in, my dad has some outdated views on certain things.
Just tell me and we can leave whenever you want.
Hmm.
Doug, give everyone a chance.
Doug, not mind.
You have such a kind heart.
Doug, you have such a big star.
Doug, you are such a big star.
Doug, you are such a big star.
Doug, you are such a big star.
Doug, you are such a big star.
Doug, you are such a big star.
Doug, you are such a big star.
Doug, you are such a big star.
Doug, you are such a big star.
Doug, you are such a big star.
Doug, you are such a big star.
C67jREARg1v
God, get me up and fuck, fuck, fuck me up
God, get me up and fuck, fuck, fuck me up
DIo56kxRDHj
The Grimsby and Gravenhurst Supernatural Detective Agency.
The Mummy's Malice at the British Museum.
The Egyptology wing of the British Museum was unnaturally still when detectives Gravenhurst and Grimsby
stepped inside, the scent of ancient dust and bones hanging thick in the air.
There stood hieroglyphic scholar Professor Augustus Tweak,
crammed into a display case, half-wrapped and wholly horrified.
Five suspects lingered among the exhibits.
Professor Winifred Crankshaw, Senior Archivist of Ancient Grievances
and marginally legible scrolls.
Basil Flimsey, the Assistant Archivist, currently mid-feint against a bust of Ramses.
Lady Euphemia Sphinxworthy, a museum donor who often claimed to remember being buried in ancient Thebes.
Nigel Broomhead, the janitor who refused to speak except through puppets.
Miss Thistle Pennyweather, the gift shop manager who called the sarcophagi her boys.
Gravenhurst, eyeing the body, declared,
It was a curse murder, it was mummification.
Grimsby, peering at the victim's last scribbled notes, read aloud,
The curse.
Lady Sphinxworthy sniffed.
I told him not to disturb the pharaohs.
He mocked my spiritual instincts.
And he mocked your ability to read ancient hieroglyphs, Gravenhurst added.
Professor Tweak may have done the translating,
but you read the inscription aloud.
You didn't lift the curse, you activated it.
Lady Sphinxworthy gasped theatrically.
I only wanted to liven up the exhibition.
Grimsby sighed.
Well, this certainly wrapped it up nicely.
The pharaoh spit out his tea.
DS5sHhGksLJ
Oh, you know Dasher and Dancer and Prancer and Vixen.
Comet and Cupid and Tarner and Blitzen.
But they were all of them deceived, for another reindeer was made.
DTv6JtjCWqe
"Dumb D&D warlock concepts. A warlock who's basically a harem anime protagonist, their patron, is a collection of three to five inexplicably hot, eldrish monstrosities, whose affections their warlock must precariously balance, lest any one of them establish a definitive claim upon their soul."
C-iLmj5RTE1
I'm alive. I'm dead. I'm watching TV. I'm looking at you. Fuck you. I'm dead again. I'm up.
I can run faster than a bitch around the house.
C-F7_8axuun
*outro music*
C643EeaRbBu
Testicular torsion casters are always acting tough, right until a wizard casts...
MEND BUTTCRASH!
You rapscallion!
C-ykNzKxJyE
*music*
C7p4uYRRzSK
How f***ing elaborate do we have to make this fight?
Get down here!
C7B1fcQrgzQ
Well, I think it's wizard time.
What the fuck are you talking about, wizard time?
Ooh, pinkus bonkus, it's time to rip the bongus.
Ah, wizard time.
DHO0hIGRXc4
One, two, three, four, I declare a wizard war.
I cast Manual Breathing.
You bastard!
Abracadabra, flagellous claustion.
GIVE THAT WIZARD TESTICULAR TORTION!
Testicular torsion casters are always acting tough.
Right until a wizard casts MEND BUTTCROSS!
Kill the scallion.
I cast Testicular torsion.
I cast Manual Breathing.
I cast INSTANT BRAZILIAN WAX!
Hmm?
Ooh, I cast Testicular torsion.
Ooh, I cast INSTANT BRAZILIAN WAX.
I CAST ENDOMETRIOSIS!
Hmm?
Bro, you ugly anyways.
Oh, is that how it's gonna be, Jeremy?
I CAST IRON!
You cast iron what?
Me, me, me, me, me, me, me.
Oh yeah, I cast RUBBER BONES!
Ah, you dick, I needed those.
You'll never catch me, wizard.
I CAST TUNGSTON BOLES!
I CAST TUNGSTON BOLES!
Oh, you think you're so fancy with all your spells.
I CAST ITCHY BONES!
Oh, I CAST TOTAL TONGUE AWARENESS!
I CAST 100 MILLION DOLLARS!
Oh, I CAST TUNGSTON BOLES!
I CAST ITCHY BONES!
Oh, I CAST ITCHY BONES!
Oh, I CAST ITCHY BONES!
Oh, I CAST ITCHY BONES!
Oh, I CAST ITCHY BONES!
Oh, I CAST ITCHY BONES!
Oh, I CAST ITCHY BONES!
Oh, I CAST ITCHY BONES!
Oh, I CAST ITCHY BONES!
Oh, I CAST ITCHY BONES!
Oh, I CAST ITCHY BONES!
Oh, I CAST ITCHY BONES!
Oh, I CAST ITCHY BONES!
Oh, I CAST ITCHY BONES!
Oh, I CAST ITCHY BONES!
I CAST ITCHY BONES!
I CAST ITCHY BONES!
I CAST ITCHY BONES!
I CAST ITCHY BONES!
I CAST ITCHY BONES!
I CAST ITCHY BONES!
I CAST ITCHY BONES!
I CAST ITCHY BONES!
I CAST ITCHY BONES!
I CAST ITCHY BONES!
I CAST ITCHY BONES!
I CAST ITCHY BONES!
I CAST ITCHY BONES!
I CAST ITCHY BONES!
I CAST ITCHY BONES!
I CAST ITCHY BONES!
I CAST ITCHY BONES!
You monster!
I CAST ITCHY BONES!
I CAST ITCHY BONES!
I CAST ITCHY BONES!
I CAST ITCHY BONES!
I CAST ITCHY BONES!
I CAST ITCHY BONES!
I CAST ITCHY BONES!
I CAST ITCHY BONES!
I CAST ITCHY BONES!
I CAST ITCHY BONES!
I CAST ITCHY BONES!
I CAST ITCHY BONES!
I CAST ITCHY BONES!
I CAST ITCHY BONES!
I CAST ITCHY BONES!
I CAST ITCHY BONES!
I CAST ITCHY BONES!
I CAST ITCHY BONES!
I CAST ITCHY BONES!
FUCK YOU!
I'M NOT GOING TO ANNOUNCE MY FUCKING SPILLS ANYMORE!
Y'ALL WILL FIND OUT WHAT THEY ARE WHEN THEY ABLITERATE THE SHIT OUT OF YOU!
DV6mAinCa4u
Were those hickeys? Did the wizard you're dating give you those?
Oh, yeah. Turns out they're a necromancer.
How are things going with the necromancer you're dating?
It's getting pretty serious. They said they want to raise a family with me.
Wow, that seems really fast.
Yeah, it should be. They're buried pretty close together.
So the bodybuilder I'm dating?
The bodybuilder? I thought you were dating a necromancer.
Isn't that what I said?
You should see their deadlifts.
How are things going with the necromancer you're dating?
Badly. We're fighting.
They're mad because apparently I stole their heart.
Wait, why would that be a bad thing?
Yeah, that's what I said. They've got like a dozen more in their study.
Sometimes I worry they only want me for my body.
Then I see you. You're walking across the campus.
Co-professor studying romances.
DN8-DjoiXB1
Reverse werewolves. Wolves that turn into confused but excited humans every month at the full moon and run around doing weird human stuff until they wake up the next day in the middle of an office with a suit loosely draped over their wolf form.
Concept. Reverse vampires. They survive by eating garlic and drinking holy water. The sun is healing to them. If you stake them through the heart, they become immortal. But most importantly, every single human on earth is trying to hunt them down and drink their blood.
Zombie outbreak started two years ago. Now you find yourself cornered by a decaying zombie when you do the unthinkable and bite it first. When it falls to the floor and grows its skin back and sits up and asks, "What is going on?"
How the fuck did you know that would work? I didn't, dude! I just fucking panicked!
DZGPpwwpYwn
Freshwater mermaids are considered country mermaids.
They're more amphibious than their ocean cousins and adopt surface mannerisms due to being so close to human land.
Freshwater mermaids, Adam, darling?
I have no idea what you're saying.
Do mermaids who live in or close to streams have any characteristics?
They eat bears.
DMxf4FaxGGP
welcome mortal to the end of existence oh it's you again hi big weekend you betcha did you
redecorate oh my god yes thanks for noticing oops getting healed tell nancy i say hi see you next week
DMGOPC-xx9t
So what's your speciality?
Stealth!
Paladin!
Me too!
In that?
Armor?
Yeah, we just have different styles.
For example, I use heavy stealth.
Which is?
Nobody can see you if there are no witnesses.
C6CG4f_RDqy
I see you driving round now
A truck
My love and I like
About you
I miss the truck
Took my pocket
It wasn't in love
I like
About you
I love you
About you
DF2f5oBx_nl
I cast vicious mockery, not twenty, let's go!
You're a shot, motherfucker, and nobody likes you!
SHOT!
Everybody says, "Fuckin' sure that guy is!"
And let's stop to see if we're bombing meaningful relationships!
DQjvf7mjUsN
God looked wary, but excited.
And you say this will infect all those who come into contact with it,
and they shall never be free of it.
Precisely, I replied.
So use it carefully, and do not open it until you are far from here.
And I handed her the jar of glitter.
DLGHxCix-Fw
I cast...
FLOATING EARS!
What the?!
I cast...
POWER OUTTAGE DURING RANKED GAME!
AHHHHH!
DCcJnCSRnwL
Prithi, tell. What is Ligma?
Such riddles can only be answered by the Mind Goblin.
Enough of your riddles!
Who is the Mind Goblin?
Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.
DCz5Ycyx9kR
Ugh. Not elegant enough to be a vampire. Not jock enough to be a werewolf.
Hmm.
He he he he he he he he he he he. Goblin it is.
He he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he.
DTgYK8eEqTv
don't kill me what the heck i said don't kill me not dark last i did not say no last
stop no i want listen i wanted to be a warlock but the spaces were taken up i'm coming on fireball
DAtc5tWRZg6
I'll see you next time.
DJAURVKRz3e
I've never met a female in my life, except my grandma.
What?
How?
I live in a little mountain.
Cute!
C8W4_AxxZBJ
So sit back, relax, and enjoy a healthy dose of prolonged eye contact.
DWzjv2_CR3X
I can't decide what's better, elves being a tricked out version of humans, all the races having similar appearances but completely different physiologies.
An elf goes to a human hospital and the doctor is like, "Holy shit, you broke our blood typing machine."
Uh, so the results are in, and technically you're a fungus?
DCfG2baRqGv
If you kill me, I will become more dead than you can possibly.
DKNPtE2x9nk
How long does someone have to be dead before it's considered archaeology instead of grave robbing?
As an archaeologist, I find this a very awkward question.
Answer the question, grave robber.
DUhDfOZibss
Vampire, what do you call the land that meets the sea, may I come in?
What, what was that?
What do you call the land that meets the sea, may I come in?
Sure?
You fool.
DGQaca8ROP3
Testicular torsion casters are always acting tough.
Right until a wizard casts...
MEND!
BUTTCRASH!
You rapscallion!
DQSUhZLktbk
How art listening to...
World 2.3
Here we have a fence
Where we payeth nothing but chance
Chance and more chance
You saw not the endometriarch, Stacey
C9SJjzDRhxo
Well, it's a little combination of the tism and trauma.
Classic combo.
C7X8nhgxa6s
this is a message to all my haters remember revenge is beneath me but accidents do happen
so keep that pretty head on a swivel till next time douche canoes
C_3CEUwxyUV
Ye be listening to 102.3 Pirates FM, where we play nothing but shanties, shanties, and more shanties.
This ain't ye landlubber granny station.
DRPvWl1CXHv
The Grimsby and Gravenhurst Supernatural Detective Agency.
Mayhem at the London Morgue.
It was a bleak and soulless night at the London Morgue,
though, in fairness, that was true of most nights there.
The fog pressed against the windows like nosy ghosts,
and the air hung heavy with the scent of formaldehyde and overcooked tea.
Detectives Gravenhurst and Grimsby stood by a slab,
examining what was left of the latest in a series of unfortunate victims.
Morgue attendant Percy Noggin's skull, alas, had been hollowed out
like a sundae pudding.
Someone or something had stolen his brain.
Five suspects lurked about in the morbid darkness.
Miser Drizzle Gloom, the embalmer who always seemed slightly bombed.
Mr. Bartholomew Pinebox, a coffin maker who measured everyone he met,
just in case.
Nurse Mopsy Dreadwell, whose bedside manner extended well past the grave.
Mr. Alfred Muckrake, the janitor, who sweeps silently, not to wake the dead.
Dr. Niles Mortwine, the morgue's resident pathologist,
and a patron of dismal operas.
Gravenhurst peered into the man's gaping head wound.
The attack was not carried out with a weapon, he gasped,
but rather with a set of teeth.
Grimsby winced.
I suppose someone really wanted to pick his brain.
The victim suddenly opened his eyes and let out a mournful moan.
Someone's been raising the dead, Gravenhurst exclaimed, and commanding them to feed on the brains of the living.
Dr. Mortwine sputtered incredulously.
Dr. Mortwine sputtered incredulously.
Are you seriously suggesting the killer summoned a coterie of zombies to commit murder?
Gravenhurst fixed him with a sharp stare.
Tell me, good doctor, when did your fondness for operatic arias turn into necromantic verse?
Mortwine's eyes flashed black.
When the living stopped listening, he hissed,
so I found an audience that couldn't leave.
He raised his hands, commanding the corpses to rise up,
but Grimsby, unimpressed, hurled a scalpel into the doctor's scalp.
The doctor dropped dead, and the zombies did too.
I didn't know you could do that, Gravenhurst said, shocked.
Grimsby sniffed.
I always take dead aim.
Ugh!
A cadaver, disgusted, sealed himself into a body bag.
DTDxLwwiSwW
Why do witches always want to fatten kids up before they eat them?
Fat is like the grossest part of the meat.
Why hello there, little children.
Please follow me to my magical fitness room.
No pansies allowed beyond this point.
Leave your whining at the door because it's late day and we're about to get ripped.
C6GtNA7r-Vn
Thou art listening to 102.3.
Real Paladin FM, where we listen to nothing but prayers, prayers, and more prayers.
This ain't the Divine Mother Station.
Waking up to ash and dust, I wet my brow and I sweat my rust.
DAVQ9xPRZJd
The most obvious fay trap I have ever seen.
I'm gonna go touch it.
No, Maria, you're gonna get kidnapped.
DTqrMZuktQR
Oh, you can say that over the phone, Batman, but if I had you here, I'd pound you to a pulp.
Start pounding, Joker.
DGAlYAKx3kd
Did you put your name into the Goblet of Fire, Harry?
Dumbledore asked calmly.
Harry!
I'm Coulter!
Harry, did you put your name in the Goblet of Fire?
DH8hToVRQlF
Okay, hear me out, a vampire who does the whole obsessed with a human thing, except it's 100% platonic.
Just really, really wants to be pals.
What are you doing in my room?
Jennifer, do you want to place categories?
Wear this ancient pendant, Jennifer, it will keep you safe.
Uh, this is obviously just half of a best friend's forever necklace.
Welcome, mortal, to the end of existence.
Oh, it's you again.
Hi.
Big weekend?
You betcha.
Did you redecorate?
Oh my god, yes, thanks for noticing.
Oops, getting healed.
Tell Nancy I say hi.
See you next week.
As a knight, the king said, it is your duty to kill dragons.
Very well, my liege, the knight said.
Um, may I ask why?
Because they hoard wealth without sharing, and people live in fear of their capricious moods.
Very well, my liege, the knight said, and drew his sword.
Ordinary kid falls into fantasy realm.
Ordinary kid gets told by local fairies he's the chosen one, told he needs to defeat the evil wizard.
Immediately gets his ass killed.
First fairy to second fairy.
You really gotta stop telling them that.
Well, sooner or later, it's bound to be true for one of these little f*****s.
The rest of the series turns out to be about the amoral adventures of these two fairies.
Vampire bites their victim.
Librarian.
Oh my god.
Vampire stops and looks up.
Could you not?
Points to the sign that says, no, food in the library.
Sorry.
Starts dragging victim out.
This is your second warning.
Sorry.
Sorry.
Got a really good idea for a D&D character I'll never get to use.
It's a talking horse.
You'd think this had come with some kind of magical backstory about getting turned into one,
but turns out they were just born that way.
You find out that the mother was a centaur, their father is a horse-headed minotaur,
and they have a sister who's a perfectly normal human.
They're a rogue thief because nobody expects a horse as the culprit.
You're an orc guard in a fully garrisoned and protected fortress two miles into a mountain.
You're standing post, and suddenly you hear a knock outside the door.
You know you're not authorized to move from your post,
but your curiosity overtakes you, and you open the door.
A horse is standing there as your brain races to think of some explanation
for the sudden and unexpected presence of the horse.
It leans in and whispers,
No one will ever believe you.
DHA4X7ORUbn
oh sorry hey who's this guy who let this guy in i just uh he's got a real funny face i like your
face guy thank you what a cute funny face you want a cookie can someone give this guy a cookie
got a very soothing face and i like looking at it it's like a matisse whoa
DGhG7kSRj6B
There is absolutely nothing that's ever happened to me.
I just started existing right now.
I have zero lore and absolutely no backstory.
I deserve no excuses.
DHZT_zLxGaa
i cast tiny staff why you i cast inexplicable leg cramp
god rub it rub it rub it rub it rub it rub it
DNypCLZUpXb
Wait, how did you know how much help I had?
I can see it above your head, the pink bar.
Oh, sh**, I'm so sorry.
I'm pressing B again.
I put the book, I need to put the book away.
C-OqZfLxAz4
I fear no army.
Then why are you holding my hand?
You're holding my hand.
No, I'm not.
Yes, you are.
Let go.
Stop holding my hand.
Let go.
Stop it.
You let go of my hand.
Open fire.
C9NJZBqxj4q
I'm big. I'm big. I'm brave. I'm big. I'm beautiful. I'm beautiful. Yes, thank you. Come here, give me a hug. Thank you.
DKPuQEWxdQc
You stand before the Council of Eldritch Judgment.
The Council has rendered its verdict upon thee.
If your bae is leaving you on red, don't sweat it, King.
She's not ghosting you.
She'll slide back into your DMs when she's done being a boss.
The Council has spoken!
*Mario's a little bit*
DW4yECwCUdM
It's amazing how many prophecies involve teens, you'd think they'd pick more emotionally
stable people, with more free time, like grandma.
I would read the hell out of a series of a chosen 85 year old woman who goes on epic
journeys through a dangerous and magical land, armed only with a cane and her knitting needles
accompanied by her six cats and a skittish yet devoted orderly who makes sure she takes
her pills on time.
C6AC7LuxfGA
if there was a Batman villain that called himself Batman?
Like, he's new to Gotham.
- Oh, it's funny.
- And Batman's like, "What's your name, villain?"
And he's like, "I'm Batman!"
And then Batman has to go, "Well, no."
- So what is the trademarking?
- "Well, no, you can't do that because I'm Batman."
- No, I am Batman.
- Okay, well, has no one told you?
- No, I'm new here.
I just left from, I just got here from--
- I just got here from Cleveland.
DD5UtpNxMgg
If he's the Grinch, I'd hate to meet the Frouch.
You're a mean one, Mr. Frouch.
DSDtqsCkm7l
Two vampire friends lying on the floor getting drunk and describing each other because they can't use mirrors.
Don't even try to tell me that isn't adorable.
You know what's even more adorable?
They decide to try and draw each other, and they both have the drawing skills of a toddler.
DPRxy5JCYUw
"Vampires don't live in castles. Count Dracula lived in a castle because he was a count, not because he was a vampire."
This feels like a sensitivity training for how to not commit microaggressions against vampires in your workplace.
If you've been living half a century and you're not even living in a castle, why do it?
C7kvExbRMUQ
Fuck off
This is some fuck off business
DFvh-AyRSwk
I would cast RAPEL MAIDENS upon thee!
But I see another wizard has beat me to it!
C7MKXvGral-
We drank the blood of some people, but the people want drugs, and now I'm a wizard.
We drank the blood of some people, but the people want drugs, and now I'm a wizard.
C-oQo_zRDSa
Being paranoid is so much fun.
They're going to get me.
DE0TcUaRfBf
I just wanna be part of your symphony
We hold you tight and I'll let go
C7jzrOYxMC-
I think someone has daddy issues.
I DO NOT HAVE DADDY ISSUES, I AM UNUSPECTAL FUCKING BORN!
DbISpr6N_qS
Cowboy Fun Fact
I... I miss you
DQ5FYDiEiwJ
There's a serial killer in your town.
Unfortunately for them, you are a necromancer
and you are having fun driving that maniac insane.
Okay, listen, I need you to do me a favor.
So the guy who killed you
has actually killed a lot of people in town.
Why has no one noticed?
I'm glad you asked.
It's because every time I bring them back.
Now listen, dying had to suck, right?
Right, but I fixed it and I will continue fixing it.
So please don't tell the cops about the serial killer.
- He's just gonna go around.
- No, no, I get it.
Listen, I understand.
You don't want them to hurt more people,
but listen, I will keep fixing it, right?
Just listen.
- That's insane.
- Just listen, when they see you again tomorrow,
wouldn't it be so funny if you acted like nothing happened
just to with them, right?
Fairy tales and fantasy, two types of people go in towers,
princesses and wizards.
Princesses are placed there against their will
or with the intention of keeping them safe.
This is very different from wizards
who seek out towers to hone their sorcery in solitude.
I would like a story where a princess is placed
in an abandoned tower that used to belong to a wizard
so she spends long years learning the craft of wizardry
from the scraps left behind
and becomes the most powerful magic wield of the world
to see in century, bursts out of the tower
and wreaks glorious, bloody vengeance
on the fools that have risen her.
That would be my kind of story.
Garth in the woods that keeps answering the door
and sighing and going, "No, I'm not the witch.
He lives over there," and points across the street
to a dazzlingly pretty boy wearing a gold waistcoat
who's waving excitedly at them.
This happens 268 times a month.
You have many of the abilities of a Disney princess.
You can talk to animals, people burst into song around you,
and it seems every other day a Prince Charming type
falls madly in love with you
as one of the most feared enforcers in New York.
"It's tough, but you make it work."
"How did you know?"
He squeals on his knees and shaking.
"Your finger tightens around the trigger."
"A little bird he told me."
A fair maiden knocks on the goth lady's door
and says she's here to find love.
The goth sighs, points across the road, and says,
"The witch is over there.
He doesn't do love potions because consent,
but he might be able to make you prettier,
although 90% of the time it turns out
the spell didn't do anything but make you more confident."
Maiden blushes and sheepishly explains
that she knows he's the witch.
She just talked to him, and he sent her over here.
Goth looks over her shoulder to see the kimbo witch
standing outside his house giving her a grin
and a double thumbs up.
Warlock patron idea.
While putting your favorite condiment on a sandwich,
you accidentally make a magical occult symbol
and summon a demon.
You suddenly take out two more slices of bread
out of the package and make another sandwich.
You put it on a plate with a handful of potato chips
and hand it over to the demon.
He takes a sandwich, smiles, and vanishes
in a puff of demonic smoke.
The next day, you get that job promotion you were after.
There was no contract, no words spoken.
You owe nothing.
Every now and then, another demon pops in for lunch.
Demons don't often get homemade sandwiches.
The character concept.
Woman makes deal with demon to have its child
in exchange of her eternal life assumption.
Woman then makes deal with witch
and offers her firstborn for like riches or something.
Woman dumps demon baby on witch,
absconds with her winnings,
and leaves witch and demon fighting for custody.
Half demon baby grows up learning magic
and visiting hell on weekends
and every second Christmas.
I think it would be very funny
for like characters in a fantasy setting
to walk into a pub to try to order
and the bartender sighs and goes,
"Species in age"
while pulling out a massive book
holding the drinking age for every type of species
"Capable of birth to see how come."
"Hey, my hot water doesn't work."
"Landlord. Not my domain."
"Fire Lord. Nor mine."
"What?!"
"Water Lord rising up out of the sink.
Who dares disrupt the mighty Water Lord,
God of the Seven Seas?"
"I do. My hot water doesn't work."
"Oh, for real? I'll call the plumber."
"Hello, sir. May I have your name?"
"No, you may not have my name,
but you may call me John."
"Sir, this is a DMV and I am not a fae."
"Oh, then you wouldn't mind holding this iron horseshoe, right?"
I took elevation school and I fucking hated it.
The teacher was like 700 years old
and he'd take us on field trips
to sit on the banks of a babbling brook
and watch the fall of sunlight through the leaves.
My friends in Spanish class were, like,
conjugating verbs and sh*t
and meanwhile I was in an old growth forest
being overcome with awe at the sight of a majestic stag.
Like, uh, yeah, Mr. Autumn Heart.
When are we gonna learn, like, any grammar?
"Listen to the murmur of the wind in the treetops,
and you shall find the grammar you seek."
Like, f*ck, dude.
Your pedagogy leaves much to be desired.
Werewolf, about to devour me.
Me, makes throwing motion.
Did you just pretend to toss a ball
hoping I'd chase it so you could escape?
No?
I'll be right back.
"So you see," said the royal advisor, wringing his hands,
"the curse states that the princess will die
on the night before her 25th birthday."
"Hang on," said the princess.
"On the night before?"
The advisor nodded grimly.
"So what you're saying is that
until that one specific date,
I am effectively immortal."
"Technically, yes, but then the king stammered."
"Wow," said the princess.
"Who is 16 and did not possess amazing impulse control."
"I'm gonna go teach myself how to juggle chainsaws
while hang gliding over shark-infested waters."
"Catch you chuckleheads later!"
"The fae gets such a bad rap."
"I'm not going to steal your soul."
"I'm going to purchase it at fair market value."
"Don't be so dramatic."
"The fact that the current going rate of a human soul
is roughly one enchanted pastry
is really more of a you prop."
Okay, so let me get this straight.
"We're here to rescue a princess."
"That's right, at the request of a princess."
"Right again."
"And you, who will be leading the expedition,
are also a princess."
"You're very deceptive."
"How big is your royal family again?"
"We don't have one."
"But what, uh..."
"We overthrew our monarchy centuries ago,
but we keep most of the titles around.
The rank of princess is held by the directors
in charge of various civil service branches."
"Huh."
"And the princess we're rescuing today
is in charge of public sanitation."
"The Lord of Death's Dominion
kidnapped your public sanitation director?"
We think he's a little confused.
DTamO_qjbV7
Congratulations on being alive.
I like that about you.
You know, all of your moments have led up to this moment right here, right now.
And this moment is just as irrelevant as all that came before it.
Or just as important.
Or something.
I don't know.
Also, has anybody told you that you're really pretty?
Oh, and look at this.
Anyway, bye.
DZVzOoxJwwf
I think you've gone out and you've gone, ooh, a pretty person.
This pretty person, if they find value in me, then I'm important.
And you know what?
That's not how it works.
People who are pretty have terrible opinions.
Everyone just tells them they're smart because they look at them and then they get dumber.
DK9qUP2Rdhc
After a long day of saying wildly offensive things,
I like to unwind and think about how beautiful and kind I am.
DT5jb7PjY37
I'd like to think the reason why mages live in towers is just by accident.
Mages live in normal houses, but their magic does weird stuff to their home and stretches
the house up into a tower.
It's also why powerful mages tend to have really big hats and overstretched robes.
This could extend to why mages don't wear metal armor.
It'll just stretch and grow and get too heavy to use.
A mage's staff is just their first one, but stretched!
Please stop asking me about mage penises.
DJC46YmxXXU
At the ADHD wizard meeting.
"Sometimes I just find it difficult to hocus-focus."
"Have you tried abracadadarol?"
"It's a material component for spells requiring concentration."
Uuuh!
C6ZaiD2xmOZ
*outro music*
C8u4d14RKx8
Oh wow, this shop has everything my heart desires.
Spooky shopkeeper.
Yes, I will warn you, every item comes with a price.
Yeah, I know how shops work.
The price may be more than you expect to pay.
Yes, I know how U.S. taxes work too.
Shopkeeper increasingly exasperated.
I'm trying to tell you that I'm evil and offering these wares with no regard to the harm they will do.
You know what capitalism is too, goddammit.
C7ugSu_RTb5
All that effort, and yet somehow, you still couldn't-
GAAAHHHHHH!
GAH!
UGH!
UGH!
UGH!
What the hell was that?
That's got a frying pan, bitch!
A fry- a frying pan?
How did it hurt so much?
I have a lot of pent-up drama.
That doesn't make any sen-
Oh my god, I'm bleeding.
You made my nose bleed!
UGH!
Oh my god, what the hell is wrong with you?
A lot!
UGH!
DA6DaglxQD1
- How did you get past security?
His fortress is impenetrable.
- Door was unlocked.
- Son of a bitch!
DbJiJNqpyHC
Empires being the lactose intolerance of the monster world.
Yes, I'm violently allergic to garlic, but what's the point of I'm living without Italian food?
I know silver is bad for me, but his necklace was so cute and it was on sale.
I don't care how many holy symbols were at the Met Gala, Anne Hathaway was supposed to be there, and I haven't seen her in 250 years.
DOErhcsiY-v
Hi, Rat. I just can't speak with animals so I can ask you about this... this dungeon.
Do you understand how terrifying this is for both of us?
Who is speaking to you?
Am I the same being I was before if I become something else?
Are there... orcs in the next room, or...?
DB6mMwBxsgw
No, I don't feel like you're hearing me.
I didn't ask how big the room was.
I didn't ask if we had finished evacuating the orphans.
I said I cast fireball.
DB44MJ-x396
Did you drink water?
Did you eat?
Did you take your meds?
Do that.
C8Hp_0FRHmS
We will punish you for your gluttony.
Neato.
I'm a glutton for punishment.
Could I get a supervisor over here?
DKINL1lRQwA
I can't sleep. I think the Boogeyman's under the bed.
Don't you mean the Boogeyman?
Wow, the thread count on these sheets is pathetic.
C69Eg_rxDF6
How the hell you spell chauffeur, chauffeur
Ooh fancy pants Rich McGee over here, fuck you
DWR7o3IiWGU
Remember, she's the type of woman that every morning when she wakes up and puts her little feet on the ground, the devil says, fuck, it has awakened.
DXsHuRqCRYG
There's a lovely old English myth that if someone who truly loved and trusted the werewolf called it by name that it would turn back to human.
Others include throwing their human clothes at it and it had turned back but that's a little less romantic.
Okay, I understand people would take the romancy route here but imagine the werewolf's mother or grandmother some wizened old woman with hands toughened from years of labor just going out into the woods where even the men with axes won't go anymore and facing down the ravening beast and saying, "It's time to come home."
C6ASamqRyPS
One of us speaks nothing but the truth.
The other nothing but lies.
Okay, I know this, we have to ask, um...
Where he takes axe and kills the first god.
What the hell?!
The remaining god.
Is he dead?
No.
He's one liar.
DAI9mJsRWqX
Alright, first you'll need some coconut oil, a little paprika, you know, a little bit of some other things, but, you know, after that he should taste delicious.
Stop telling them how to eat us!
Billy, I'm not teaching them how to cook you, I'm teaching them how to make your species taste a little bit better when they get cooked.
That's all, it's nothing bad, you're okay, you're gonna be fine!
C7c7MNLR1CH
I was pretty sure you'd sleep in and forget to meet me this morning.
Wouldn't have forgotten if I was sleeping with you.
But look at this, Jesus, look at this outfit.
DIBzqH_RG-9
One of us speaks nothing but the truth.
The other nothing but lies.
Okay, I know this. We have to ask, um...
Robert takes Axe and kills the first god.
What the hell?!
The remaining god.
Is he dead?
No.
He's one liar.
The funniest thing about TTRPGs is that you can create a guy and say,
"His name is Blobo Bleepus. He sucks severely. I hope that many misfortunes before Blobo Bleepus.
He does not deserve to be happy."
And at least one of your friends will immediately jump in to say,
"No! Don't bully Blobo Bleepus! I love Blobo Bleepus!"
Vampire. My darling. My eternal flame. My heart's joy take in human form.
You simply must drink water. Your blood tastes like sh*t.
The body is traveling through a dungeon and comes across a skeleton that is hung up by a meat hook.
There's a staff in its hand. One of the players reaches out and tries to grab the staff.
The skeleton then wakes up and says,
"Any who hold the staff shall be cursed forever."
The player, being an arrogant wizard, casts Command Undead and asks,
"How do I break the curse? If I knew that, do you think I'd be a skeleton with a meat hook up my arse?"
"Teen horse girl movie where the horse dies an hour in and the second half is the girl learning occult science to reanimate it so she can win the big derby."
"The fey gets such a bad rap. I'm not going to steal your soul. I'm going to purchase it at fair market value. Don't be so dramatic."
"The fact that the current going rate of a human soul is roughly one enchanted pastry is really more of a you prop."
"Zeus."
"So I'll take the skies."
"Ooh, ooh, I want the sea."
"Okay, Poseidon gets the sea."
"And horses."
"Fine. We can have the sea."
"And horses."
"But that's it."
"Um, I want a wife."
"That's not what we're doing here."
"I want earthquakes."
"Oh, wow, this shop has everything my heart desires."
"Spooky shopkeeper."
"Yes, I will warn you. Every item comes with a price."
"Yeah, I know how shops work."
"Yeah, I know how shops work."
"I know how shops work."
"Oh wow, this shop has everything my heart desires."
"Spooky shopkeeper."
"Yes, I will warn you. Every item comes with a price."
"Yeah, I know how shops work."
"Yeah, I know how shops work."
"Yes, I will warn you. Every item comes with a price."
"Yes, I will warn you. Every item comes with a price."
"Yeah, I know how shops work."
"The price may be more than you expect to pay."
"Yes, I know how U.S. taxes work, too."
"Shopkeeper increasingly exasperated."
"I'm trying to tell you that I'm evil and offering these wares with no regard to the harm they will do."
"You know what capitalism is, too, goddammit."
"You know what capitalism is, too, goddammit."
C6BL5TmuCue
I cast, I cast, oh, I cast...
Fuck you!
I'm not going to announce my fucking spells anymore!
Y'all will find out what they are when they obliterate the shit out of you!
DFxh5TCRS_s
How f**king elaborate do we have to make this fight?
Get down here!
DChCB-Ux7AK
Transcription by ESO. Translation by —
DQcZ9LXiWGy
Is there any look hotter than disheveled and slightly bloody?
Um, disheveled and slightly bloody?
With a sword under their chin?
Ahem.
Disheveled, slightly bloody, with a sword under their chin.
While smiling lasciviously.
For your consideration.
Disheveled, slightly bloody, with a sword under their chin.
While smiling lasciviously.
And kneeling.
DVzNZhMiekW
Maiden, your spouse is not an orcish warchief.
That is three goblins and a trench coat.
How you cannot see that is beyond me.
DXkeKB8Cbyu
Do you think two pennies is still enough for the ferryman?
Or has inflation driven up the fare?
If he makes me use an app, I am simply not crossing the river Styx.
DWW2iv2ibM8
You may not be the girl of his dreams in the typical sense, but you can always be the feral swamp witch that haunts his dreams and sends him increasingly disturbing visions until he comes crawling on his knees begging for mercy.
Don't ever sell yourself short.
C7sNFm3R7v0
Ha ha ha! Nice argument.
Unfortunately, fireball!
DNtKUC70ip3
We'll see you next time.
DEshSBvxVJb
I met her on the internet, we haven't met in person yet, and that's how I'd like you to say.
Cause I've been down this road before, they always end up wanting more, they take one look and run away.
Cause I'm a creature of the night.
How could she ever love me right when I am only half a man?
She's coming over here tonight to tell the truth, I'm there of mine.
There's nowhere left to hide the fact that I'm a ham hoes.
How could she ever understand that I'm a ham hoes, a fan.
I'm a ham hoes, a fan.
That's what I am.
C9Z4o6-x0X9
Dungeons and Dragons is a real serious problem.
I began to look through the instruction manual and I see here
how to cast magical spells, and mage spells, and cleric spells.
And you go to the pages that it's listed on, in this instance page 41,
C6EREXNrKB4
I took the drugs and the drugs are working, and the drugs are working.
C_vGitQxoc_
Thine ears have been graced by 102.4 Elflight FM
Where songs of radiant truth ring out
Fear not the dwarves depraved drivel
You would not believe your eyes If ten million fireflies
Lit up the world as I fell asleep
C9vZ2KMx52n
I do not have PTSD.
That is all just the wizard's curse.
The wizard is my father, but that is not relevant.
C6EUAC7rrKQ
It's 106 miles to Chicago, we got a full tank of gas, half a pack of cigarettes, it's dark, and we're wearing sunglasses.
Hit it!
DY5S9QFJZTo
But the thing that f*** me up about elves is like, of course they're great archers, they live several hundred years, you'd be good at anything if you could do it for several hundred years.
But what really f*** me up is thinking about how elves go to war with humans and they're like, looking at these dudes across the field and they nudge their elf friend and they're like,
"Oh my god, Chadrick, those dudes are like, twenty. They're twenty, Chadrick. Why are we fighting a bunch of babies?"
And then they die because the babies can shoot arrows too. Not good, but they can!
C6EO8HZrsUV
And you can tell Rolling Stone magazine, that my last words were, I'm on drugs!
Southern sky, have you ever noticed that?
C6C7kNCxKfQ
Yo, dude, did you bring the...
Uh, no, I thought you said to bring the...
Did you at least bring the...
Uh, no.
But I brought the...
Okay.
Well, at least it's not the...
That's true.
That's true.
C6BM0mhOqTb
The Greeks had an empire and the Chinese had an empire, but when most of us think of the word empire, we think of the big one, Star Wars.
DS3AvfJCQun
Yes, yes, blood for the blood god and all, but when you think about it, why would the blood god want blood?
I mean, they're the blood god. Presumably, they already have blood.
You're giving them the one thing that, by definition, they already have of in great supply.
I don't think you end up being the blood god by saying,
eh, that seems like a reasonable amount of blood.
C7g3t4zRrQU
So, you've finally arrived. What the hell are you wearing?
It's my ass-kicking outfit, bitch!
C-VYfQgxH_F
Sir, that'll be 1123.
Who named the flame of the ancients?
Sir, that...
C_v_rv1R0bU
I'm... I'm a heroin addict.
Can't get enough of...
Strong, beautiful lady!
Ha ha ha! Woo! Hell yeah!
DAZMn_rRdWL
I am not demure. I have ADHD. Very forgetful. Very chaotic. Very anxious.
DSkjPPcjdM3
If he's the Grinch, I'd hate to meet the Frounge.
You're a mean one, Mr. Frounge.
DKfZSW-x8JM
We should be safe at this distance, right?
Yeah, that wizard doesn't have a spell with enough range to get us, so...
Wait, what the hell is he holding?
I CAST 50-caliber magic missile!
*BOOM*
DHLGYjqRnoq
I'd have confound a centaur.
Hold it right there, you can't just ride through my fields uncontested.
I'll lose my credibility if we don't battle or something.
That's fair, how about we-
And it can't be a pun battle, I heard what you did to the Sphinx.
Damn, okay, uh, what if I beat you in a horse race?
Ha! I'll ride your funeral, where's the finish line?
That tree over there. Where's your horse?
Centaur.
Gestures at horsey backside.
Um, you're not a horse, this is a horse race, you have to race with an actual horse.
You want me, a centaur, to ride a regular horse.
That is, linguistically speaking, what you agreed to.
I hate you.
That's fair.
C6FY0RmxZA_
- I cleaned my whole house today.
Except for the dishes.
Fuck the dishes!
DGfxwbQxN4M
Bro, you ugly anyways.
Oh, is that how it's going to be, Jeremy?
I cast iron!
You cast iron what?
Oh yeah, I cast rubber bones!
Ah, you dick, I needed those.
C6C2mX9RN94
much money would it take to make you spend a night in a cemetery? Would you display this as a trophy?
Do you have a pet? Do you have a sweet tooth? Do you believe in the power of a curse? Have you had
your hearing tested lately? Planning a trip soon? Can you remember the tallest man you've ever seen?
Do you love to go a-wandering beneath the clear blue sky?
DOZWbgsCaC-
The librarian leads in close.
Books unavailable to the average citizen, Warlock?
I believe I can help you.
She leads you through winding halls
until you come to a tiny doorway.
Surreptitiously, she slips a small key into the lock
and motions you in.
Torches flicker, and as your eyes adjust to the light,
you see that the room is full floor to ceiling with
gnome erotica.
Is this the result of a failed skill check
or a successful--
DWcJTCQibjm
You kill people for their blood?
How do you sleep at night?
I don't.
How do you look at yourself in the mirror?
Also no.
How do you live with yourself?
I'm not sure you get vampires.
C6C5p36xF0J
you have a magical disease called attention deficit disorder it makes you a very unique wizard
unfortunately will not make you suitable for the muggle world they expect you to
show up on time and remember small details and sometimes i know that's a struggle for
DJFkcgJRrTS
I am an introvert that does an extrovert's job and I'm terrified most of the time.
If I'm not in bed, I'm not in my comfort zone.
C765FQ6xTC_
I'm a man, I'm a Canadian, I am a Christian, I'm for real, I'm a white guy, I'm ready to kill, I'm a primitive, I'm like a raccoon in the garage, I basically am a fraud, I'm a patriot, I am 1776, I'm liberal, I'm a reptoid clone of John Wayne and Elvis, I'm in a scientific matrix grid in the early phases of being inserted into an extermination system.
DbB7xcGpj1N
I am no killer.
You just decapitated.
I simply sent him to God.
Yeah, that's still murder, bud.
If God thought it unjust, then he would resurrect as man.
Has that happened yet?
No, which means I'm doing a good job.
C7QDynExBPj
I wish wizards were real, so I could come out of Walmart to see a guy in a big hat and fancy robes, screaming,
By the moon and the starlight, by the shield and the sword, I summon to me Marihanda Accord!
DG0wQy7RzQv
Alright, first you'll need some coconut oil, a little paprika, you know, a little bit of some other things, but, you know, after that he should taste delicious.
Stop telling them how to eat us!
Billy, I'm not teaching them how to cook you, I'm teaching them how to make your species taste a little bit better when they get cooked.
That's all, it's nothing bad, you're okay, you're gonna be fine!
DRLFWyOkphe
Watch out or I'll turn you into a frog, the witch said.
Sounds good.
Really?
Yeah, get zappin'.
Wait, will I still be the same person inside?
Well, of course.
Uh, never mind.
C-9CMA1RGMu
Wait, why the world? Wait, why the world look orange like that?
It's getting spooky.
Spooky?
Uh-huh.
DVPDWsXCXiy
He's up, up, up, up, upside down and trading for a package of sunshine and ravioli macaroni.
DMX4WqhRWd7
Wizards. Mysterious beings possessed of arcane magic, casting spells in ancient times.
Not super-intelligent scientists who used advanced technology to travel back in time to fuck shit up!
No more questions! Fireball!
DI4CZ7QRVyB
I cast Flower Beard!
You son of a-
I cast Cringe Memory.
Ugh!
DC-RERFR81m
They should make a rom-com about Santa meeting Mrs. Claus.
That'd be so fucking cute.
Oh my god.
DHgZ16RRQNB
I cast Premature Loop Cut-Off.
I don't... I don't get it. What is that?
C--i4CbRM59
This is a weird thing and I'm on it and I'm not gonna be
This is a weird thing and I'm on it and I'm not gonna be
This is a weird thing and I'm on it and I'm not gonna be
This is a weird thing and I'm on it and I'm not gonna be
DF94yBvxztt
I'll do anything, I'll do whatever it takes to...
DGZBEyERyze
Yes, I lied to you. No, I don't love you. Of course it makes you look fat. I've never been to Brussels. It is pronounced egregious.
DMbLoKpxUQM
I want to be an evil wizard, but I keep choosing kindness.
Does anyone have advice?
Curse them.
Oh, for sure. Curse the amulet.
DHEv-BMRENX
You can't control how good a day you're going to have, but you can control how weird a day everybody else has.
Be the weirdest, most confusing, unhinged part of everybody's day.
DG5tmfGxFrY
I see you driving round town, I'm kind of, and I'm like, I fuck you, I'm just, I'm truck, took my pocket, it wasn't in love, I'm like, I fuck you, I got me fuck for two, so.
C8wk3h9x-Ij
911, what's your emergency?
I'm dead. I think I'm dead.
Oh, time's going by really, really, really slow, and my heart's beating backwards.
What makes you think your heart's beating backwards?
Well, normally it goes goop-boop, and now it's going boop-goop.
Are you having any other symptoms?
Uh, I can see sounds. I can hear colors. I forgot how to shit.
Sir, have you taken any illegal substances?
No! I just ate a brownie that a drug addict gave me, but that ain't got nothing to do with my emergency.
And what's your emergency, sir?
I measured my butt crack three times, and it was longer each time.
I'm splitting into two people!
Ooh! There's like 17 more brownies on that plate. I'm gonna finish them off and call you back.
C7SRgRPRUDA
Why don't you two cut the horseshit and get to the part where you admit your sexual feelings for one another.
WOW!
C9UtkrnRgna
I am not a king, I am not a god, I am frightened and I don't know what to do.
I'm confused and I want to go home.
DGLEwhgxT-k
Shit, man. This wizard war is fucked.
I just saw a guy clap his hands together and say the ten hells or some similar shit.
And everyone around him turns inside out and their tibia explodes and then disappears.
The camera didn't even go on to him. That's how common shit like this is.
My ass is casting frostbite and level two poison.
I think I just heard power words scrunch two groups over.
I've got to get the fuck out of here.
DGjpPXkx7v2
And on top of everything else,
Fingy's Call!
C7VOeAFRsy7
I've got two tickets to Iron Maiden, baby
Come with me Friday, don't say maybe
I'm just a teenager, big baby like you
Oh yeah, dear man
DVMa9jriaaF
Your highness, a party of the adventurers have answered your call for help.
Excellent. What are they like?
One of them is a dragon lady.
Interesting. Those are pretty rare around these parts.
Another is a goblin paladin.
Not a role you usually see goblins in.
Third is a purple-skinned tiefling.
I didn't even know they came in that color.
The last one is a sapient gelatinous cube, sir.
What?
How did these four even meet?
Apparently, they've been in a tavern two hours ago.
C8dXl_bRcKy
babe yeah how often do you think about the roman empire three times a day
elaborate just regularly why there's so much to think about
C75Vlk6xmPi
Oh my god, it's worse than we thought.
They made her emo!
DZ27Eq_J3H8
Like, you know how girls love to receive flowers?
What is, like, the male equivalent of flowers?
It's wizard time, motherfucker!
Fireball!
C7pixJsR4Yt
This place is great. You know, it's whimsical and fun.
What are you looking at, motherfucker?
C8mGwFExop9
So not only is Walthazar, but Walthazar, Fee-Fifo,
Walthazar the third, the most powerful wizard in the universe.
He's also the cutest!
Cute little fluffy magical wizard Dorito, Waltito!
C-swAjvxygW
What is the point of living?
I like pizza.
I want to eat more of it.
DaajzE9Rp3b
You know how when you marry someone with a title, a lot of the time you gain that title?
Like, becoming a princess because you married the prince.
By that logic, does marrying a wizard make you a wizard as well?
I've met a lot of wizards who said it doesn't work like that because wizard is like doctor.
Sorcerers do work like that though, if you marry a sorcerer, you also become a sorcerer.
This is a common misconception, sorcery is actually sexually transmitted.
DMOZeDfxLMH
BIRKUS! TESTICULAR TORSON!
COUNTER SPELL!
BATMAN!
What?
You are now Batman.
So what, I can like, fight crime and I'm super super rich?
Mm-hmm.
That's awesome!
Haha, hey son, are you with it?
Damn no, oh my god!
Hey honey, have you seen your father?
Oh, no way!
No, my parents!
DPE3cHWCUyG
It would be so easy to destroy you in spells!
Yeah, hit a spell then.
I'll hit my favorite one!
Fireball!
Yo, that's not a spell, you're just drinking fireball!
That was a good one!
You don't have magic, you're just drinking fireball.
Fireball!
No, you're not doing anything, those are just fireballs!
I think a lot happened.
What just happened?
I'm a lot happier now.
C6FGlYWxbo9
Feeling sad?
52 fluid ounces of
Chalky milk!
Feeling depressed?
52 ounces of
chocolate
milk!
Holy
shit!
DEQb-v1x5Ax
Don't care. Didn't ask.
Plus, the sleeves of your wizard robe are embarrassingly evil.
C94sSJrxzGA
Okay, fine. I took too much Benadryl. You caught me.
You don't have to turn into spiders about it. Jesus.
DVLL4WIAFZg
bro you ugly anyways oh is that how it's gonna be jeremy i cast iron you cast iron what
oh yeah i cast rubber bones ah you dick i needed those
C63ie05O_LY
I am the Lorax.
I speak for the trees.
And for some fucking reason, they're speaking Vietnamese.
DOMgXSEiXcp
Character concept: Barbarian who is not the chosen one, and couldn't draw the sword from the stone.
Instead, they just lift the whole thing and use it as a big hammer.
C6C7SeTR46Q
I'm alive. I'm dead. I'm watching TV. I'm looking at you. Fuck you. I'm dead again. I'm up.
I can run faster than a bitch around the house.
DD4xyy-xAGN
vampire bites their victim librarian oh my god vampire stops and looks up could you not points
to the sign that says food in the library sorry starts dragging victim out this is your second
warning sorry sorry
C6vbPknuHMj
I cannot draw for shit, but I've been plagued by the idea of a wizard cowboy.
I kissed a belly full beat.
C-G3BlvxCs2
welcome mortal to the end of existence oh it's you again hi big weekend you betcha did you
redecorate oh my god yes thanks for noticing oops getting healed tell nebcy i say hi see you next week
C6C7E9exQ1h
stop you violated the law it's been too long since i've seen a good draw i'm just warming up you
pathetic worm remember the emperor you dare attack me i'm warning you show me what you've got at the
best you can do can't you settle this peacefully you elves are all the same oh flesh no fury
guards guards someone's being attacked hey you some kind of maniac
C8kdUeYRebh
Useless magical items!
The Potion of Perpetual Girth!
Mmm-mmm-mmm-mmm-mmm-mmm!
Hey!
Uh-oh.
Oh, fuck!
C85MZCOx0AI
my advice to you today speak loudly and carry a big stick that is the wizard's way
DMrHwOPRref
The girl of your dreams is just laying in her bed, farting so bad, right now.
C6usSLpx9l8
One, two, three, four. I declare a wizard war.
I cast manual breathing.
You bastard!
C6B9kBVx779
There was a very hungry, genetically modified caterpillar, seven nuclear missiles.
DAO4aiFxG_S
I'm Batman. I live in the shadows.
Justice.
Forgot them!
I need to go to the Batcave.
Batman needs his supplies.
Forgot them!
C6C1vfcRxR1
Who is Duffy?
Duffy is my muse, and he also runs the cult that I'm in.
I'm a member of "I'm the High Priestess."
And it's a surrealist cult that is completely
censored around bureaucracy.
So you can never do anything, because you're constantly
doing paperwork.
But he dances for me a lot.
I don't know, he's just crazy.
DRH5udujc5k
Ordinary Kid falls into Fantasy Realm, Ordinary Kid gets told by local fairies he's the chosen one, told he needs to defeat the evil wizard, immediately gets his arse killed, first fairy to second fairy.
You really gotta stop telling them that.
Well, sooner or later it's bound to be true for one of these little f**kers.
The rest of the series turns out to be about the amoral adventures of these two fairies.
Fairytale with a wicked stepparent, who is of course also some sort of warlock, transforms the princess into a swan, as one does, but rather than running off to mope around in a lake and be beautifully tragic, the princess decides to stick around the palace and cause problems on purpose.
It is a lovely day in the palace and you aren't horrible, goose.
Demon appears. Hello lover.
All, look at the part.
Okay, rude.
I've never seen this demon before in my life.
No, uh, my ex is referring to me.
Seriously?
You're that surprised.
I keep saying I wasn't always a member of the clergy.
A fantasy series where the court wizard is treated and portrayed, just like an IT guy.
Court wizard fixing the queen's magic mirror.
Hasd thee attempted cleansing and reapplying the runes anew?
Court wizard finally fixes the magic mirror and sees the reflection of the queen reciting.
Show me beautiful forest nymphs.
Show me where to find beautiful forest nymphs.
Show me local witches willing to summon beautiful forest nymphs.
Show me beautiful witches.
Show me-
The librarian leads in close.
Books unavailable to the average citizen warlock?
I believe I can help you.
She leads you through winding holes until you come to a tiny doorway.
Surreptitiously she slips a small key into the lock and motions you in.
Torches flicker and as your eyes adjust the light you see that the room is full floor to ceiling with gnome erotica.
Is this the result of a failed skill check or a successful plan?
DM, at the bar you see a cloaked hunched over man.
He wears a crown of bone and blade surrounded by three sentient rings of fire.
His arm is made of steel.
Who else is in the tavern?
Uh, there's a goblin named Sam Smorkel.
I want to talk to Sam Smorkel.
Arrow, thunks into rogues.
A bearing.
Look, a note.
It says I, ranger, have joined your party.
Yay!
No!
Uh, Arrow, thunks into rogues.
This note says, by the way, if I wanted the rogue dead, the rogue would be dead.
I like the ranger.
Druid turns into kangaroo.
Aw, that's such a cute animal form.
Thanks, it has pockets.
At the ADHD wizard meeting.
Sometimes I just find it difficult to hocus-focus.
Have you tried abracadadarol?
It's a material component for spells requiring concentration.
Beast, you must live with me in this castle for the rest of your days.
The food is free?
Yes, but you see-
I don't have to pay rent?
I think you're missing kind of the point of-
And there's a library?
Sign me the f*ck up, roomie.
Please leave.
Hey, so how far does your all-seeing site extend, exactly?
The many-eyed creature in my basement.
Are you asking because you tripped on your own shoelaces in the foyer and fell on your face?
Oh, so you, um, you saw that.
The many-eyed creature trying to be nice.
No.
Reincarnation is a known, common, and expected result of death.
You are a bounty hunter that specializes in tracking down people who have committed suicide
to escape deaths or a jail sentence.
Hey, it's a girl!
The doctor exclaimed.
A f*cking tax dodger is what it is!
Blaze, the flame Hogan bursts into the infirmary, cocking his shotgun.
This baby owes 440 million dollars to the government!
So what's your specialty?
Stealth.
Paladin.
Me too!
In that?
Armor?
Yeah, we just have different styles.
For example, I use heavy stealth.
Which is?
Nobody can see you if there are no witnesses.
I want a movie about a ghost becoming increasingly desperate to haunt a family,
but they have cats, and so the poor deer goes completely igno--
Confine cats with loud upstairs neighbors for maximum ghost frustration.
Someone could break into my apartment and just start smashing things,
and add a stupid side to the cat or the neighbors, and not even look up from my phone.
I just can't speak with animals, so I can ask you about this dungeon.
Do you understand how terrifying this is for both of us?
Who is speaking to you?
Am I the same being I was before if I become something else?
Are there orcs in the next room, or...?
Welcome, mortal, to the end of existence.
Oh, it's you again.
Hi.
Big weekend?
You betcha.
Did you redecorate?
Oh my god, yes.
Thanks for noticing.
Oops, getting healed.
Tell Nancy I say hi.
See you next week.
Character concept.
Barbarian who is not the chosen one, and couldn't draw the sword from the stone.
Instead, they just lift the whole thing and use it as a big hammer.
Got a really good idea for a D&D character I'll never get to use.
It's a talking horse.
You'd think this had come with some kind of magical backstory about getting turned into one,
but turns out they were just born that way.
You find out that the mother was a centaur, their father is a horse-headed minotaur,
and they have a sister who's a perfectly normal human.
They're a rogue thief because nobody expects a horse as the culprit.
You're an orc guard in a fully garrisoned and protected fortress two miles into a mountain.
You're standing post, and suddenly you hear a knock outside the door.
You know you're not authorized to move from your post, but your curiosity overtakes you,
and you open the door.
A horse is standing there as your brain races to think of some explanation for the sudden
and unexpected presence of the horse.
It leans in and whispers, no one will ever believe you.
DTdmciWCfCh
We'll see you next time.
DTyUsC8EkwN
I feel like D&D would be so much more fun if they let weaker classes just have random weapons.
Prepare yourself, wizard, for my blade is sharpest in all the la-
SHIT SORDS, SHIT HATS, CHECK OUT THIS GUN!
C_GywbmRLKu
I hate when flies rub their disgusting little hands together.
What could you possibly be plotting?
You can't even get out the open window!
DAhV8Hpxh1R
So the bodybuilder I'm dating?
Bodybuilder? I thought you were dating a necromancer.
Isn't that what I said?
You should see their deadlifts.
DHW03qFx5qn
Hey, does anyone want the rest of my burger?
Oh, how about I'm starving.
Didn't you just eat, like, an entire barrel of hay?
That was for the horse stomach, not the human one.
Don't be racist, Carl.
DX7cnx1J4u7
Why are the wise wizards and witches in the party always posh British people and never
like an Australian me?
G'day matey patatey!
The art of that we stole appears to be celestial in origin.
Outback mage, too fucking right mate.
Stroat this place is chockers with rib and material components, casting spells gonna be
a piece of piss.
Sir, I don't speak extraplanet languages, just please buy things and go.
DSLTPMiCXON
My brother in hell, if you see me outside of the tavern getting yelled at by some teethling or drow maiden, don't save me. I am exactly where I want to be.
C-Xi1sqxGKu
The four types of husband.
Which one yours?
Watch it too and find it.
Supportive.
Yummy.
Very large.
And Brian.
DVCGbbIick_
Pump up the jam, pump it up, while your feet are stumping
And the jam is pumping, look ahead, the crowd is jumping
Pump it up a little more, get the party going on the dance floor
See cause that's where the party's at and you find out if you do that
I want a place to stay, get your booty on the floor tonight, make my day
DV9N068CbCE
Not trying to victim blame or anything, but you'd think with all the times necromancers
have tried or succeeded in raising undead armies, the people of Tamriel would stop burying
their dead fully armed and equipped for battle.
Like I know your great grandpa's sword was a part of him and all, but maybe you could
bury Super Deathblade somewhere not right next to Super Deathblade Man, just in case.
You wanna make grand grandpappy into a loser, a chump?
If his corpse is going to be puppeteered into battle by a sick and twisted sorcerer then
By the 90s, gonna do it well.
C8C6VbpRUg8
if there was a Batman villain that called himself Batman.
Like, he's new to Gotham.
- Oh, it's funny.
- And Batman's like, "What's your name, villain?"
And he's like, "I'm Batman."
And then Batman has to go, "Well, no."
- What is the trademarking?
- "Well, no, you can't do that because I'm Batman."
- No, I am Batman.
- Okay, well, has no one told you?
- No, I'm new here.
I just left from, I just got here from--
- I just got here from Cleveland.
C61LqXtrvzx
Could you imagine being a horse?
How pathetic.
Bitch, pick up a can.
You can't.
Hooves.
C68ugF6xRDt
*music*
DXvMq51NLNR
As I walk through the valley of the shadowy spells, I take a look at my staff and realize there's no one left.
Because I've been casting and blasting so long that even the scholars of magic think my mind is gone.
But I ain't never crossed a cleric that didn't deserve it.
Wearing robes and scrolls, you know that's unheard of.
You better watch how you're stepping when I'm breathed.
You cast a fireball and you're roasted and shooken.
Been spending most my life living in the sorcerer's paradise.
Been spending most my life living in the sorcerer's paradise.
DD0TFxWxrBx
"Reincarnation is a known, common, and expected result of death. You are a bounty hunter that
specializes in tracking down people who have committed suicide to escape deaths or a jail
sentence."
"Hey it's a girl!" the doctor exclaimed. "The f*cking tax dodger is what it is!"
Blaze "The Flame Hogan" bursts into the infirmary cocking his shotgun. "This baby
owes $440 million to the government!"
DSVoOkukoTF
I'm here to tell you if there's something that you want for Christmas, and you don't know if anybody's going to buy it for you, you go buy it yourself.
Life's too short not to get what you want, and you got that dog in you, honey, so you go get whatever you want.
You deserve it.
DES_CpzR4Ph
Sir, don't take another step, or we will use force.
W-what the-
DQXRYT4iXMK
Hey, my hot water doesn't work.
Landlord, not my domain.
Firelord, nor mine.
What?
Waterlord, rising up out of the sink.
Who dares disrupt the mighty Waterlord, God of the Seven Seas?
I do, my hot water doesn't work.
Oh, for real? I'll call the plumber.
C8R1dAAR0yA
This algorithm is crazy, because you'll see something so funny on here that you'll laugh
out loud in your house, and then the very next video will be somebody telling you the saddest
story you have ever heard in your entire life, and you'll just be emotionally wrecked for having
gone on this journey with them. And then immediately it'll be some dude just farting
into a microphone, and then three sponsored ads, and then a new trend that somehow everybody
already knows, and then somebody indicting you for your ignorance or lack of action on a particular
political issue, and then just when you're about to close the app because you're sick of all of it,
There'll be some thought-provoking or unique video that pulls you back in and keeps you scrolling.
DWPbNF2iV2s
slamming your knight's visor down when you're finished talking to them like slamming the phone
down to the receiver. Turning around to leave only to turn back and lift the visor up one last remark
before slamming it down again. Okay, I read this first as the other person slamming the knight's
visor down, not the knight themself. Imagine arguing with your lord over their safety and
they just reach up and slam your knight's visor down in your face.
C6CK-fgxGAf
I am Mordox Evergrim, Lord of the Underrealm.
I am Thrylac Doomspore, Commander of the Dread Corps.
I am Xylaxorent Bloodwork, Keeper of the Evercrypt.
I am Chisnar Bonegravy, Lord of the Spiderpuddle.
I am Ripnarf Batdangler, Shift Manager at Binglebort's Bar and Restaurant.
C6Gst38rHZf
do you fear the shadows 102.7 dark elf XM our station will sunder the web it's
time to wake up
DCNFMzFR6IW
- No, it was, like, I had a hard time saying,
like, just walking away from a pregnant woman
asking for help.
- It's the thing of, if you're in the woods
in the middle of the night and you hear a little six-year-old
off in the woods going, "Somebody, please help me."
- Don't help them!
That's not the right tone for that.
You know it's not true.
So when a pregnant woman says, "My husband,
I think his name's Kevin, book it.
Everyone needs to run faster."
DSnJEYjjaFs
Love is in the air.
Wrong!
Evil skull!
DKxfJ8pxKeX
What do you call the land that meets the sea, Miracle Mint?
What was that?
What do you call the land that meets the sea, Miracle Mint?
Sure?
DNOKBy6RhOC
"Druid turns into kangaroo."
Aw, that's such a cute animal form.
"Thanks, it has pockets."
C_rGkjmxRqN
Sorry for making you fall in love with me because of my awesome vibes and kissable lips.
Can you buy me some Legos?
C6BhDB-rGq-
bro you ugly anyways oh is that how it's gonna be jeremy i cast iron you cast iron what
oh yeah i cast rubber bones ah you dick i needed those
DWNRTpsiYOC
Okay, so let me get this straight. We're here to rescue a princess.
That's right. At the request of a princess.
Fight again.
And you, who will be leading the expedition, are also a princess.
You're very deceptive.
How big is your royal family again?
We don't have one.
But what I...
We overthrew our monarchy centuries ago, but we keep most of the titles around the rank.
A princess is held by the directors in charge of various civil service branches.
Huh.
And the princess we're rescuing today is in charge of public sanitation.
The Lord of Death's Dominion kidnapped your public sanitation director?
We think he's a little confused.
DWuCLBtCSIK
And what is this?
An audition sign-up sheet. You've never seen one.
You cannot have people audition for the role of zombie minion.
I most certainly can.
Oh, you meant it's immoral.
Yeah, probably.
C9w444JxfVs
*Mario laughs*
Rules four of the pirate code!
Ye must have your permission slip signed to come blunder and...
*Mario laughs*
*Mario laughs*
C9X_TWkx3Jj
Useless magical items!
The Ouija board of literal doom.
Bee?
Bee?
Bee?
Why is it all bees?
C6w-jucRO_Q
Ooh, I cast testicular torsion. Ooh, I cast instant Brazilian wax.
I cast endometriosis!
Hmm?
DGIVoa3x3cp
I'm the executive creative director, chief buyer, and lifestyle coordinator.
Yeah, it's a huge responsibility. I'm very important. I decide the direction.
DVmQjKZiTb7
I feel like witches are sedentary and wizards are migratory.
A witch has a home, a cauldron, herbs.
You go to them with your problem.
A wizard wanders, disappears, shows up at inconvenient times to fix nothing.
Am I making sense?
Ah, but what about wizards' towers?
Definite nesting behavior.
Mmm, some good theories in the notes, but I choose to believe those are made by a village
or perhaps king as an artificial home to attract and keep a wizard like a beehive.
DZ7quktRGwa
After biting a Fae, the vampire claims that she must serve him, for his bite converted her into his thrall.
The Fae claims that the vampire must serve her, but the vampire ate Fae food without her permission.
As none of them is willing to give up, they bring the case to you, a lawyer.
Congratulations.
What?
They both asked, confused.
On your new marriage.
DWhYn5vCQAj
Goth in the woods that keeps answering the door and sighing, going "No, I'm not the witch, he lives over there"
and points across the street to a dazzlingly pretty boy wearing a gold waistcoat who's waving excitedly at them.
This happens 268 times a month.
A fair maiden knocks on the goth lady's door and says she's here to find love.
The goth sighs, points across the road and says, "The witch is over there, he doesn't do love potions because consent,
but he might be able to make you prettier, although 90% of the time it turns out the spell didn't do anything but make you more confident."
Maiden blushes and sheepishly explains that she knows he's the witch, she just talked to him and he sent her over here.
Goth looks over her shoulder to see the kimbo witch standing outside his house giving her a grin and a double thumbs up.
DakSNlNtVFM
I cast!
I'M VERY PROUD OF YOU!
Gah!
Counterspell!
I think you're awesome!
Thanks, man.
I got you, bro.
C_hF2ncx1A6
I'll be honest, kitten.
The amulet is driving Daddy insane.
C9QDc5ix7id
Hey, does anyone want the rest of my burger?
Oh, how about I'm starving.
Didn't you just eat, like, an entire barrel of hay?
That was for the horse stomach, not the human one.
Don't be racist, Carl.
DV4I90aifpZ
I'm sending out an SOS. I am about one mile south of Key West, Florida, and there is a pod of a strange half-naked fishwomen trying to lure me to my death.
Oh, wait, no, let me correct myself. There's at least one twink.
But yeah, they're all singing at me. I think they're trying to lure me to the edge of the boat so they can drown me.
Stop staring at me with them big ol' bug eyes, you creepy little bastards.
And stop throwing shit into my boat!
C9-cJl5RBCl
The girl of your dreams is just laying in her bed,
farting so bad right now.
C6AT9zLxpC6
God damn it, Gump.
Give me one margarita, I'ma open my legs.
But you ain't got no legs, Lieutenant Damn.
DVWuQpXiaKy
Hi, I just wanted to say that you're doing a good job, a great job.
You're trying so hard and I see that and I'm proud of you.
You'll hand over all of your precious jewels and all of your gold.
I forgot to load it.
DOJruawCfMT
You ever ADHD too close to the sun and get yourself an autistic best friend and together you're like one functioning person?
DQNN4lpEiUD
I think it would be very funny for, like, characters in a fantasy setting to walk into a pub
to try to order and the bartender sighs and goes,
Species in age, while pulling out a massive book holding the drinking age for every type of species capable of purchasing alcohol.
C9Pc1RWRUxV
Hello? Hey, what's up? I need your help. Can you come here?
I can't. I'm buying clothes.
All right, well, hurry up and come over here.
I can't find them.
What do you mean, you can't find them?
I can't find them. There's only soup.
What do you mean, there's only soup?
It means there's only soup.
Well, then get out of this soup aisle!
All right, you do have to shout at me!
There's more soup!
What do you mean, there's more soup?
There's just more soup!
Go into the next aisle!
There's still soup!
Where are you right now?
I'm at soup!
What do you mean, you're at soup?
I mean, I'm at soup!
What store are you in?
I'm at the soup store!
Why are you buying clothes at the soup store?
Fuck you!
C97o-FxR2Un
I'm like the only girl with a decapitated head for a boyfriend.
I don't want to be a fashion accessory, Juliet.
DGrJi7kRLHK
listen before we go in my dad has some outdated views on certain things just tell me and we can
leave whenever you want i'll give everyone chance dog not mind you have such a kind heart
C6C7xQiRYZi
I want to take me to
We have a
Bunketown
The end is a bug
I want to take me to
Bunketown
As for the years
I want to take me to
Santa's
Bunketown
Lucifer
I want to take me to
Bunketown
DHzC7bIxMFw
I cast extra-long pinky toe.
Huh?
Ew!
I cast too many beards.
Oh, shut up.
C6wCDJjL_3x
A kobold excitedly runs up to you, yipping.
Look what I can do.
The kobold concentrates really hard for a few moments.
And you look up in horror as the sun explodes.
C-FaFhVRbr8
Excuse me, sir. Do you have the time?
Oh, no. I'm late for my shift.
My serving shift at the Cunt Factory.
Now get to work, bitch.
DJ5XrTqx93N
Yeah, I listen to ASMR.
All sexy magician's radio, I cast you met on dragons!
I'm waking up to ha-
DaWSjsMptl8
You have many of the abilities of a Disney princess, you can talk to animals, people burst into song around you,
and it seems every other day a Prince Charming type falls madly in love with you as one of the most feared enforcers in New York.
It's tough, but you make it work.
"How did you know?"
He squeals on his knees and shaking, your finger tightens around the trigger.
"A little birdie told me."
C5_-f4HRsTH
A TNT campaign concept, an adventuring party made entirely of people of one race disguised as people of another.
The disguises are really bad, like the dwarf is just a halfling with a fake beard,
the orc is an elf with body paint, and novelty teeth, and the dragonborn is just three goblins in a trench coat,
but none of them have any experience with any of the other races in question,
and are trying not to draw attention to their own disguises.
So all of them are fully prepared to accept any oddity on the part of the party members.
The halfling, having just been caught taking off their beard in private so they can breathe.
This is, this is normal for dwarves, the goblins who are looking for somewhere private that they can crawl out of the trench coat.
Acceptable, have a nice day.
Friend orc, I don't mean to alarm you, but the green appears to be coming off of your skin onto my hand.
I, I have a skin condition.
Halfling, discreetly adjusting their beard.
Acceptable, have a nice day.
C6C2M4yRwDP
You got your goals written down, you got your 22 pushups, and your dick is harder than a fucking missile, you understand me?
Fuck the world, fuck what they're telling you.
It's you and me, and it's all these motherfuckers had to end combat on a daily, you understand me?
DLiP2efR9oO
Poor people have it.
Rich people need it.
If you eat it, you die.
What is it?
I'm gonna beat the shit out of you and put you in jail.
DBwWj6_xU4X
Ordinary Kid falls into Fantasy Realm.
Ordinary Kid gets told by local fairies he's the chosen one.
Told he needs to defeat the evil wizard.
Immediately gets his ass killed.
First fairy to second fairy.
You really gotta stop telling them that.
Well, sooner or later it's bound to be true for one of these little f*ckers.
The rest of the series turns out to be about the amoral adventures of these two fairies.
C8UU80TRBqy
I am Mordox Evergrim, Lord of the Underrealm.
I am Thrylac Doomspore, Commander of the Dread Corps.
I am Xylax Arendt Bloodwork, Keeper of the Evercrypt.
I am Chisnar Bonegravy, Lord of the Spiderpuddle.
I am Ripnarf Batdangler, Shift Manager at Binglebort's Bar and Restaurant.
C-gKjcJxEol
Hey, reanimating corpses for use in battle is unethical.
I am recycling.
Now someone has to go and fight the corpses.
I am also, consequently, creating jobs.
C-nQhl8RckQ
I've got a peer-reviewed study right here that says...
Hmm...
Says you're a pussy.
DFRHBWcxApc
concept reverse vampires they survive by eating garlic and drinking holy water the sun is healing
to them if you stake them through the heart they become immortal but most importantly every single
human on earth is trying to hunt them down and drink their blood
DKm5R14R4wB
Arrow, Dunks into Rogue.
A berry.
Look, a note.
It says, "I, Ranger, have joined your party."
Yay!
No!
Arrow, Dunks into Rogue.
This note says, "By the way, if I wanted the rogue dead, the rogue would be dead."
I like the Ranger.
DX2Y5pIJDEv
So garlic is a natural anticoagulant, but then why would vampires be allergic to it?
Hear me out, what if vampires made up all the stuff about them being allergic to garlic
so that their victims would eat it, thinking it would ward off vamps,
but instead it makes their blood easier to drink, because it doesn't clot!
This has been really getting to me recently, have I uncovered their master conspiracy or am I going insane?
C71hiUJRVgE
It's becoming increasingly obvious.
I can deny it no longer!
I am small.
C5_9xTixvzP
What happens when two dramatic bitches like Geralt and Aragorn visit the same tavern on
the same night and there's only one corner table for them to brood at in a solitary fashion?
Would they take turns to share a booth while simply refusing to acknowledge each other's existence?
And there was only one corner table. Oh my god, there was only one corner table.
DHRuurAxlhK
I cast, no beard.
I cast, check engine light on.
Oh, you son of a boy, I oughta-
DL5ke4Hxlu3
I cast.
I'm very proud of you!
Gah!
Counterspell.
I think you're awesome.
Thanks, man.
I got you, bro.
DHmKqlKR-OH
Gonna need a human skull and I can't have you ask any questions.
Only if you also don't ask why.
What?
Okay, sure.
Pulls out seven pristine human skulls from their bag.
Take your pick!
Wizard.
This one's fine.
Oh look, a shooting star.
Hmm, I'll pass.
What?
Wizards can't really wish on shooting stars or anything, really.
Why not?
Well, that's how it works.
The price for learning magic is that you become responsible for your own magic.
No more lucky breaks, no more synchronicity, no more spontaneous moments of quiet wonder.
You have to do it all yourself and in exchange you get to shoot fireballs out of your hands.
Was it...
Worth it?
Fuck yes.
I am no killer.
You just decapitated.
I simply sent him to God.
Yeah.
That's still murder, bud.
If God thought it unjust, then he would resurrect as man.
Has that...
Happened yet?
No.
Which means I'm doing a good job.
Hey, reanimating corpses for use in battle is unethical.
I am recycling.
Now someone has to go and fight the corpses.
I am also, consequently, creating jobs.
A room called the doll room that's full of dolls is mundane.
But a room called the doll room that only has one doll in it, that's fresh.
Oh shit.
I'm...
I'm a heroin addict.
Can't get enough of...
Strong, beautiful lady!
Ha ha ha ha!
Woo!
Hell yeah!
What is the point of living?
I like pizza.
I want to eat more of it.
What is the point of living?
I like pizza.
I want to eat more of it.
I like pizza.
I want to eat more of it.
I like pizza.
I want to eat more of it.
I like pizza.
I want to eat more of it.
I like pizza.
I want to eat more of it.
I want to eat more of it.
DCcD_9CxfET
This guy who hates magic so much, I mean absolutely fucking detests it with all his heart that it just has no effect when used on him.
Magic is fucking stupid, you gotta be the lamest dork alive to use it.
Wizard on the verge of tears after failing eight consecutive times to cast lightning bolt on this guy?
No, it's not. It's not, man.
DFGoauUxa_T
If you're very, very stupid, how can you possibly realize that you're very, very stupid?
You'd have to be relatively intelligent to realize how stupid you are.
C--6nq6Rb-j
¶¶
Thank you.
DUwRu8yknaK
Go ahead, say the weird thing.
DPmd7ENkppK
Vampires are always like, "I could kill you if I wanted."
Like, yeah, so could another human being, so could a dog, so could a dedicated duck,
you aren't special.
I love how this post makes it sound like this is an annoyance OP regularly encounters in
day-to-day life, like on the bus or in the supermarket.
DDuyHcRxl7Z
Do you want fries with that?
Where I'm from, we call fries Potato Jeremy's.
Where the fuck are you from?
C8E4XwtR8QW
Are you seriously watching porn by yourself?
No! I'm with the science team!
Da3scGRJiDa
It's not the most ethical move in the world, but in a pinch you can hand off a cursed object to basically any baby.
Someone tries this trick with a cursed hairpin or some bullshit, but the malevolent old woman whose spirit inhabits the object instead grows very fond of the baby.
Now the parents not only have to deal with the child, but the blood-soaked horrific specter that plays games with the baby and rocks it to sleep from beyond the grave.
My working title is Scary Poppins and I'll accept her kisses.
DNTHUafRR9-
I got to get back before Cleveland realizes I'm not in bed.
Donna!
Donna!
God damn it, Gump.
Give me one margarita, I'ma open my legs.
But you ain't got no legs, Lieutenant Dan.
I am the Lorax.
I speak for the trees.
And for some fucking reason, they're speaking Vietnamese.
Follow your dreams, bitch!
I love aggressive positivity.
Hey, you!
You're fucking wonderful, okay?
You're beautiful, and you're doing great, and I'm very proud of you.
Fuck everyone else.
You're a beautiful butterfly, and you deserve love, bitch!
You're in the scooping room.
Do you know why they call it the scooping room?
It's because, dummy, this is the room where they use the scooper.
I thought that would be obvious.
Are you seriously watching porn by yourself?
No, I'm with the science team.
I don't like them putting chemicals in the water that turn the freaking frogs gay.
Do you understand that?
Turn the freaking frogs gay.
Oh, oh, shit, crap, gay.
I was pretty sure you'd sleep in and forget to meet me this morning.
Wouldn't have forgotten if I was sleeping with you.
But look at this, Jesus.
Look at this outfit.
Why do you keep making TikToks when nobody watches them?
You want to know what?
Somebody does watch them.
I watch them.
I watch my own TikToks.
I...
Okay?
There was a very hungry, genetically modified caterpillar.
Seven nuclear missiles.
I'm making coffee.
Anybody want coffee?
I'm making coffee.
I'm having a cup of coffee.
Does anybody...
Anybody want coffee?
Because I'm having a cup of coffee.
Yo, dude, did you bring the...
Uh, no.
I thought you said to bring the...
Did you at least bring the...
Uh, no.
But I brought the...
Okay.
Well, at least it's not the...
That's true.
That's true.
Get in the water.
Get in the water.
We never should have come in the garden.
No guts, no glory.
You ever scared of anything?
Yeah.
Dying alone.
That's why I brought you here.
I told you we needed more glitter.
I'm alive.
I'm dead.
I'm watching TV.
I'm looking at you.
Fuck you.
I'm dead again.
I'm up.
I can run faster than a bitch around the house.
Can I ask you a question?
Yeah.
Why are we lying in the parking lot?
Your hook shot not too unconscious,
so I lied down next to you
so everyone would just think we were chilling.
DWCA9yqjT5u
You're a witch girl, keeping noots in jars, making almonds and portions every day.
I like the way you ride a broomstick, honey. That pony hat has got my juices running.
C6AG6hARzoz
Guess who's jealous of Adele?
Beyonce.
C6AUkbIx7G7
Okay, here are the ground rules.
You can punch me, kick me, pull my hair.
I am a-okay being stabbed.
Biting and scratching are on the table.
You can use fire.
These are the ground rules?
Is there anything off limits?
Damn, man.
You got something really sick you want to do, huh?
Oh, you little pervert.
All right, I like it.
Don't tell me, surprise me.
Ooh, this is gonna be fun.
C6AUQpwx3Tb
How art listening to...
Battle 2.3.
Here we have the fence.
Where we playeth nothing but chance.
Chance.
And more chance.
This are not the endometriarch stages.
DT0mfwkiYPx
God gave me two hands so I could pet two cats at the same time.
But I got three cats because the nature of man is hubris.
DMgEYU0xzNu
Vampire, my darling, my eternal flame, my heart's joy taking human form.
You simply must drink water. Your blood tastes like sh*t.
Vampire.
What do you call the land that meets the sea, may I come in?
What was that?
What do you call the land that meets the sea, may I come in?
Sure?
Concept reverse vampires.
They survive by eating garlic and drinking holy water.
The sun is healing to them.
If you stake them through the heart, they become immortal.
But most importantly, every single human on earth is trying to hunt them down and drink their blood.
Hey, I'm just outside your apartment.
You've just been standing there? For how long?
Uh, a mere speck in comparison to our immortal lives, so don't worry about it honestly.
I just need you to invite me in though.
Of course, I'm so sorry. Please come in.
Vampire steps over the threshold and immediately starts hissing and coughing like a cat with a bad hairball.
Oh, I'm so sorry. My apartment is considered holy ground because I live in it. I should have warned you.
It's fine to you.
What are your thoughts on Chinese?
I know a great place just a couple of blocks from here.
Vampire bites their victim.
Librarian.
Oh. My. God.
Vampire stops and looks up.
Could you not?
Points to the sign that says food in the library.
Sorry.
Starts dragging victim out.
This is your second warning.
Sorry. Sorry.
Okay, hear me out.
A vampire who does the whole obsessed with a human thing, except it's 100% platonic.
Just really, really wants to be pals.
What are you doing in my room?
Jennifer, do you want to place categories?
Wear this ancient pendant, Jennifer.
It would keep you safe.
Uh, this is obviously just half of a Best Friends Forever necklace.
Mmm.
C-qbiO0RBJh
*crickets*
L-L-O-Y-D?
That's right! It's me, your son! And it's Lloyd, Dad!
No. L-L-O-Y-D. I named you.
You ruined my life!
How could I ruin your life? I wasn't even there!
DZnS-wJtJb4
ANCIENT ARCADE MAGIC, HEAR ME!
ARMY CASP, WORDLY MOUNTS!
COUNTER SPELL, BEAR BOUNTS!
BEAR WHAT?
NOOO!
DAE5MLVxsX5
I don't hate goblins. I just think they're lower beings. I don't think they're important at all.
That means you hate us all. You look down on us.
Of course I have to look down at you. You're short as shit.
If anyone has more questions, I would love to answer them.
DZa3QZxpgL2
Concept, a bunch of high school Satanists get drunk in the local graveyard and try to conjure a demon
but they're using one of those reconstructionist ritual books that get all the sources mixed up
so they end up with a minor Mithraic fertility spirit that hasn't spoken with humans in like 1700 years instead.
At the terms of its binding it's not allowed to leave until it's ensured a successful harvest for its summoners
which is a problem because none of these goobers have ever raised so much as a houseplant.
If it wants to go home it's gonna have to teach them how to garden whether they want to learn or not.
DCpYMJpxrUL
Divination specialists are often portrayed as passive servants of fake.
Shuck the stereotype by playing yours as a bit more proactive.
Wizard, yeah, I foresee that before the next full moon, this house will be nothing but shard ruins.
Are you sure?
Wizard, throwing a lit torch in the house's window.
Yeah, pretty sure.
DEk3BRtRmbg
The word of the day is Bitchcraft, the art of using magic and supernatural powers to be a bitch to those who deserve it.
Like Karen's and Toxic Bachelors, Bitchcraft.
C7kLuI5RggF
That's the spirit. Now it's time for some wishy back and forth battle. You go back.
Look, I'm not sure where to go with that.
DVwJOUakc5e
I mean what can I say, three babies in the backseat singing, hey DJ won't you play that song for me, and turn it up on your radio, I got 200 seconds and I'm ready to go, I mean what can I say, three babies in the backseat singing, hey DJ won't you play that song for me, and turn it up on your radio, I got 200 seconds and I'm ready to go.
DXzmcafp9ez
Fireball!
Fireball!
Fireball!
Fireball!
C_1U7g0xjGW
Yeah, baby, that's what I'm talking about!
C9AkIRrxCco
Yeah, I'd like to solve the puzzle.
All right, go ahead.
That's it, yeah.
DOyUWYEDYFU
I'm almost done with the sword.
I just, uh, just have to work out the kings.
I like feet!
Shut up!
C-Y-Rguxlx9
"Can you not pose God-scape for what?"
"Can you come to my home, uninvited, and tell me how I should arrange my furniture?"
"What a fool you are, Skeleton-Divine Deathblast!"
DXHWjJPjRMj
I understand this tweet just fine.
And the Dorito?
Hmm, it's alright.
DAPDBwuxEq2
Barbarian, it's your turn, what do you want to do?
You, you can't stop me
Yeah, you, you can't stop me
DO82PopDepe
Werewolf, about to devour me.
Me, makes throwing motion.
Did you just pretend to toss a ball
hoping I'd chase it so you could escape?
No?
I'll be right back.
DIlgnEAR15O
We never should have come in the garden.
No guts, no glory.
You ever scared of anything?
Yeah.
Dying alone.
That's why I brought you here.
DJw1LLmRy2G
Reverse werewolves. Wolves that turn into confused but excited humans every month at
the full moon and run around doing weird human stuff until they wake up the next day in the
middle of an office with a suit loosely draped over their wolf form.
DIZqKOHxGdw
I cast permanently wet socks.
Ew.
I cast baby mouth.
DNwJQ3b0iel
Oh, there's little huts over here.
Yeah, let's go see these houses.
Oh, it's like the little Smurf guys.
Oh, God.
Fireball.
Oh!
I was gonna get to know him first, but that's cool.
I'm so sorry!
C-EIrOzx8x4
Garfield, what happened to my favorite record?
I scratched it.
And what happened to the lasagna I fixed for dinner?
I ate it.
DYcce5ON4TM
Replace the engagement ring with an engagement sword.
Fun fact, the Vikings literally exchanged swords at a wedding.
The man was supposed to break into his father's crypt, steal his sword, and give it to his wife when they got married.
The woman gave her husband a brand new sword, and like, the woman was apparently supposed to hang on to this ancient sword and make sure that it was buried with her husband when he died.
So yeah, engagement swords, or at least wedding swords, should definitely be a thing.
C6C3PcjRzwL
What are you on?
The autism spectrum, jackass.
Consider your pants peed.
C6ATUV4RUu7
We never should have come in the garden.
No guts, no glory.
You ever scared of anything?
Yeah.
Dying alone.
That's why I brought you here.
C6BSeQNOvzW
I cast extremely slow internet.
DPwj-zkCX5r
i cast you're so cool i cast you're so smart and funny i cast best friends
i cast best friends forever i got us iced coffees oh thanks girl
DLP1P-zRULu
I cast Big Forehead.
Bastard!
I cast Locked Out of Phone.
You monster!
I cast No Beard.
I cast Check Engine Light On.
I cast Tiny Staff.
Why you, I cast Inexplicable Leg Cramp.
God, rub it, rub it, rub it, rub it, rub it, rub it, rub it.
I cast Mystery Hair On Tongue.
I cast They All Be Talking Shit About You.
I cast Extra Long Pinky Toe.
Huh?
Ew, I cast Too Many Beards.
Ew, Shut Up.
I cast Permanently Wet Socks.
Ew, I cast Baby Mouth.
I cast Teenious Tiny Hands.
Huh, very clever.
I cast Still Living With Your Mother.
I need you to reset all my passwords again.
Ugh, Mom, really?
I cast Flower Beard.
You son of a-- I cast Cringe Memory.
I cast You're Drunk.
You're Drunk.
I cast You're Drunker.
I cast You're Drunker.
I cast You're Drunker.
I cast You're Drunker.
I cast Too Many Thumbs.
I cast Permanently Warm Pillow.
I cast Floating Ears.
What the-- I cast Power Outage During Ranked Game.
C-88-2lRw7o
The Greeks had an empire, and the Chinese had an empire.
But when most of us think of the word empire, we think of the big one: Star Wars.
C7RbeY6RmlN
He's not your knight in shining armor! He's just a paladin!
Steal his money! Hit him with your sword!
Watch as he comes back! They don't get the message!
DTvsQAwCafs
Hey, so how far does your all-seeing sight extend, exactly?
The many-eyed creature in my basement.
Are you asking because you tripped on your own shoelaces in the foyer and fell on your face?
Oh, so you, um, you saw that.
The many-eyed creature trying to be nice.
No.
DMLkE0TxpFF
DM, at the bar you see a cloak hunched over a man.
He wears a crown of bone and blade,
surrounded by three sentient rings of fire.
His arm is made of steel.
Who else is in the tavern?
Uh, there's a goblin named Sam Smorkel.
I want to talk to Sam Smorkel.
C6ATKiZRY_P
Meanwhile, in 1957, Your Honor, permission to treat the witnesses hostile.
Permission granted. I'm going to shoot you in the face. That'll ruin my day.
DRVK6NcCYXJ
I cast "Embarrassing Sneeze"
I cast "40 Minutes Subway Delay"
We are experiencing a delay due to maintenance on track level
Oh sh*t
We appreciate your patience
DM2qcZExlPp
Goff in the woods that keeps answering the door and sighing, going, "No, I'm not the
witch, he lives over there," and points across the street to a dazzlingly pretty boy wearing
a gold waistcoat who's waving excitedly at them.
This happens 268 times a month.
DLxS8QFR_DB
The fairytale with a wicked stepparent, who is of course also some sort of warlock, transforms
the princess into a swan, as one does, but rather than running off to mope around in
a lake and be beautifully tragic, the princess decides to stick around the palace and cause
problems on purpose.
It is a lovely day in the palace and you aren't horrible, goose.
DTorHv4Dceo
Imagine if your dad was a minotaur and your mom was a mermaid and you got the human half of both.
And now you're just some guy.
C6wE7BxrGJ2
Your mother is so hideous, she made the lidless eye blink.
Your mother is so foul, they call her the Crack of Doom.
Your mother's Crack of Doom is so foul, not even dwarves will dig there.
Your mother is so broke, Boromir used her as a horn.
Your mother is so corpulent, they couldn't fit her in the extended editions.
Your mother is so hideous, I had to sleep with my eyes closed.
Your mother is so large, one does not simply walk around her.
Your mother is so slow, she bored the Ents to sleep.
Your mother is so repugnant, orcs took her off the menu.
Your mother is so useless, they cut all her scenes from the return of the King.
That hurts, Gandalf.
Now who elected the Way of Pain?
As they say in the Shire, don't start none, won't be none, motherfucker.
DNYBeQ-xEhx
what is the point of living i like pizza i want to eat more of it
DVej0r1CUo7
Thank you.
C9slTURxwbw
Go, do a crown.
C8ZY89pxgFE
See no
But that's not bad
That's not bad
That's not bad
My heart is moving
Let's go
Let's go
Let's go
DLqGEIJxMUq
Why do 90% of all medicines sound like cool wizard names?
Miradux, the great protector of the rings!
Placebo, master of illusion!
Behold, Pepto-Abyssal, tamer of the depths!
Tis I, Ambien, the dreamer!
Niagara, the razor of the once dead!
DE51AfXxob0
"Pray for me. Nothing's wrong. I just want more power."
DDR_-QuRODl
Right now, you're looking so sexy.
You do not look terrible and tired.
You do not look terrible, tired and depressed.
You look sexy.
You look really sexy.
You don't look awful.
C6BLmwPu__I
I don't hate goblins. I just think they're lower beings. I don't think they're important at all.
That means you hate us all. You look down on us.
Of course I have to look down at you. You're short as shit.
If anyone has more questions, I would love to answer them.
C8J7AG_RFCc
It's my curse.
Literally.
I can't take this off ever.
DXLJd8HjYPp
He has to stake a lot of us on
Coucher smell
Batman
What?
You are now Batman
So what, I can like fight crime and I'm super super rich?
Mm-hmm
That's awesome
Hey son, are you with it?
Damn no, oh my god
Hey honey, have you seen your father?
Oh no way!
No, my parents!
DYSI7PntCs1
Becomes a supervillain. Spends the entire time giving subtle setups to cool lines the hero could say.
Superheroes oblivious to the setups. Makes their own one-liners. Enrages supervillain.
Me. Ha ha, I'm sure you'll find this 10,000 volt electric blast, hero.
Vaultie interesting.
Me. What? What the f**k? You were supposed to say shocking. What the f**k was that?
C7ra2JuRDF2
*music*
DJj_yqEReIh
Autismo, what exactly are your superpowers?
I can be utterly distracted and singularly focused, all at the same time.
I can also lift a car over my head.
DZAlOZoNd9Q
Why is a dead wife so common as a backstory for male heroes when divorce exists and it's a thousand times funnier?
Ever since I lost my wife, I swore I would push myself to become the greatest hero this city has ever seen.
Voice from the crowd:
Still not taking you back, Jared!
Well, fuck you too, Stacy!
DNlDnBWR3KB
All that effort... and yet somehow... you still could've-
*GASP*
*GASP*
*GASP*
*GASP*
*GASP*
*GASP*
What the hell was that?!
That's called a frying pan, bitch!
A fry- a frying pan? How did it hurt so much?
I have a lot of pent-up drama!
That doesn't make any sen-
Oh my god, I'm bleeding!
You made my nose bleed!
*GASP*
Oh my god, what the hell is wrong with you?!
*GASP*
*GASP*
DXxOmANptOb
This place is like somebody's memory of a town and the memory's fading.
I just want you to stop saying odd shit like you smell a psychosphere or you're in someone's faded memory of a town.
Just stop.
You get any sleep last night?
I don't sleep.
I just dream.
DACMOU7R4HV
The only way to destroy the rings, to bathe it in the same fire, is that gave it form.
A boi-ha-ha blast!
DQSS7ijkoyj
I swear I will have my revenge for the death of my brother.
You have my bow.
And my axe.
And your brother!
DDDCssyxS8-
Airport! I'm not going to the airport!
Airport! Airport! Airport! Airport!
Can't stop saying "Airport!"
Airport! Airport!
I need to get off this app.
C_RDaI1xOHa
Ain't brass summer knots, warlock fall.
Casting sick-ass spells, summon thick-ass straws.
Wearing dink-ass robes, follow crystal balls.
What are you talking about?
I'm talking about magic, boy.
Damn.
Turn you into a frog-type shit.
Yeah.
C7HG1q9rwip
I bet crossing spears with someone to block entry into a location feels so fucking good.
DaLJkshgG5w
You have been sentenced to death in a magical court.
The court allows all prisoners to pick how they die and they will carry it out immediately.
You have it all figured out until the prisoner before you picked old age and is instantly
transformed into a dying old man.
Your turn approaches.
DCSQB3VxpkB
Hey, so how far does your all-seeing sight extend, exactly?
The many-eyed creature in my basement.
Are you asking because you tripped on your own shoelaces in the foyer and fell on your face?
Oh, so you, um, you saw that.
The many-eyed creature trying to be nice.
No.
DTL7PmIiaIe
Unboxing video that it's a werewolf filming her vampire wife groggily waking up from a coffin when the sun goes down.
Now, what could be in this box?
Vampire, muffled voice.
Your wife.
Werewolf opens the coffin.
Beautiful, just what I always wanted.
The empty coffin on screen.
Bashful.
Stop, I don't even have my makeup on.
C_MLK9TxF0-
and now a completely normal trip to the grocery store
how the fuck did we get here it was supposed to be a normal trip
why does this always happen we were just supposed to get bread
DGLeV11RTOQ
I would love to know what glamorous object you brought in for us tonight.
I brought in a gemstone.
Okay.
Do you think it might have any magic in it?
Are you into that kind of thing at all?
Yeah.
I have a coven that I started.
Does that make you like a witch or a warlock or something?
Yeah.
What?
How many people are in the coven?
Four.
Not including myself.
Do you do good in the coven or you...
It depends.
C6EF3I8LwyR
Nice distressed Carhartt jacket, pretty boy.
Get yourself a real man's winter garment.
Cloak time, baby.
If you ain't cloaking, you're broken.
You ain't got no spells.
You ain't got no enchantments.
Your gems are shit.
Your sh...
C6-D3MQRTVY
Who are you? I'm you 10 minutes from now.
Damn it, you are handsome.
I was just thinking the same.
We are sexy.
We are sexy bitches, yeah.
C8rl-zLxA34
What is this? Who are you?
I am...
Who are you?
I am...
Who are you?
DMI3F_ORrks
Yeah, I, uh, I work at the fart bar.
Yep, I'm a fart under.
Yeah, farts on me tonight.
C9KqdlGRhvz
Pretty tell.
What is Ligma?
Such riddles can only be answered by the Mind Goblin.
Enough of your riddles!
Who is the Mind Goblin?
We'll be right back.
C8BCiGQxPfL
LIGHTNING BULT! LIGHTNING BULT! LIGHTNING BULT! LIGHTNING BULT! LIGHTNING BULT!
MAGIC MISSLE! LIGHTNING BULT! MAGIC MISSLE! MAGIC MISSLE! MAGIC MISSLE!
ELPLADE, I'M JUST BETTER!
DXSISl5Cf9Z
She was beautiful, like code that compiles on the first try.
But also, you just knew that there was something deeply wrong with her, like code that compiles on the first try.
C7_98_iRG7t
We don't rile each other up!
We never get riled up!
I don't get riled!
He doesn't and I don't either!
Look at you right now, you're riled!
DBREC1zxp9Q
Bravo, Foxtrot. This is Alpha Tango. The target has been captured. Be advised, they are sillier than we could have possibly imagined.
C7O1l9dRlmO
Me and my boys gonna mess you up
I rolled a one, I rolled a one
Fuck
C7w7qDqRU8e
Teen Horse Girl movie where the horse dies an hour in and the second half is the girl
learning occult science to reanimate it so she can win the Big Derby.
Macro Prancer, tagline: You can't beat this dead horse.
DJfTd-Ixl67
The Grimsby and Gravenhurst's Supernatural Detective Agency:
Murder Afloat on the HMS Clotted Fog
The HMS Clotted Fog creaked its way through the English Channel under a blanket of dense mist.
Passengers paced nervously on the promenade deck,
one of them no longer in the mood for promenading due to being quite thoroughly dead.
Captain Archibald Sloop had been discovered slumped over the ship's wheel,
a sextant protruding from his spine.
Detectives Gravenhurst and Grimsby were summoned from first-class supper
to first-degree murder.
All five suspects were members of the crew.
Chief Steward Trevor Penwitha, who believes death is no excuse for bad posture.
Quartermaster Lionel Pusnap, a nervous man who keeps misplacing the anchor.
Ship's nurse Harmonica Blythe, no-nonsense and sharp with a thermometer.
Boson Tobias Tug Bramble, who insists he can speak fluent seagull.
Cook Belinda Drood, her spotted dick is as salty as her language.
Gravenhurst inspected the body.
"Clearly someone wanted the captain to go off course.
Permanently," Grimsby sniffed.
"There's a faint scent of seaweed and something spectral."
The ship gave a mournful creak.
Boson Bramble smirked, told him not to sail blind into haunted waters.
Gravenhurst turned sharply.
"The fog isn't natural, is it?
It's a veiled passage.
An invitation!"
Boson Bramble gave a low chuckle.
"Ghost pirates don't mutiny unless invited.
I just lit the lantern and whispered the name of Davy Jones.
They did the rest."
Grimsby clutched his coat.
"Well, this cruise just took a turn for the curse."
Ugh!
Urgh, a sea monster, used the commotion to steal a crumpet.
DRakrPNCZCd
You ever walk into a room and, like, forget why you walked into that room?
And suddenly, you're adrift on the threshold of the infinite,
where memory is devoured by darkness,
and every forgotten intention becomes a wandering phantom of unrealised hopes and dreams.
Time curls in on itself.
Your purpose dissolves.
You are all alone in a spinning, maddening void of doubt,
with no chance of escape!
Oh, wait.
I was looking for my keys.
Hey there, y'all.
DaL1XiBJ_-7
The hottest fucking thing a guy can do is make a little noise.
Okay, let out a little.
DC5BwarRXgW
Imagine if your dad was a minotaur, and your mom was a mermaid, and you got the human half of both.
And now you're just some guy.
C66z5jeRFgp
I don't like them puttin' chemicals in the water that turn the friggin' frogs gay!
Do you understand that?
Turn the friggin' frogs gay!
Boo! Boo! Serious crap gay!
DaGqb91Jjiq
Play a warlock character who calls himself Vithomorex or something like that.
Always mention how grateful you are to your patron, Frank, for the wondrous powers he gives you.
Slowly reveal that the powers you get from Frank are things like sense of smell and verbal communication.
As it turns out, Vithomorex is an extra-dimensional thing possessing the person formerly known as Frank.
All the eldritch blasts and shadow conjurations are boring powers according to Vithomorex.
He can't wait for the level 14 ability to understand and appreciate music.
DGtaR-NRzbC
Oi, go, oi, more passion, more passion, more passion, more energy, more energy, more footwork, more footwork, more footwork, more passion, more energy.
C-C5767R4_Z
I like the girls who do drugs
Girls with cigarettes in the back of the club
Girls that hate cops and bad girls
Girls with no bonds
Girls that's mean just for fun
I like girls who make love
But I love girls who like to fuck
That's what's up
you
DIh009OxAEy
Hey, so how far does your all-seeing sight extend, exactly?
The many-eyed creature in my basement.
Are you asking because you tripped on your own shoelaces in the foyer and fell on your
face?
Oh, so you, um, you saw that.
The many-eyed creature trying to be nice.
No.
C6CM31qx3tr
Nighttime, bitch, nighttime, bitch, nighttime, bitch, time for nighttime shit.
Nighttime, bitch, nighttime, bitch, nighttime, bitch, it's time for nighttime shit.
DBW7IeMx_96
But those hickeys?
Did the wizard you're dating give you those?
Oh, yeah.
Turns out they're a necromancer.
C9i2wqAxwxZ
Can I ask you a question?
Yeah.
Why are we lying in the parking lot?
Your hook shot knocked you unconscious, so I lied down next to you so everyone would just think we were chilling.
DXRqE2MDYws
It was a hot night in the City of Angels when a leggy blonde walked to my office.
She had 13, maybe 14 legs. Way too many.
That's a lot of legs for a dame, I suggest to her eldritch form.
She glanced my way and rolled her eyes at me.
I picked them up and rolled them back.
C6Gs7LULHkd
don't you dare change the channel 105.5 i heart orc radio where our songs crush the weak
it's going down
DGxcTp4RCyI
Ew! Brother, ew! What's that? What's that, brother?
C6B7uUFxEpK
Oh, that's terrible.
You seem kind of psyched.
No, I'm bummed.
But I wasn't bummed. I was stoked.
DPg6oQHja5Z
"Nothing beats a chip to all of those pleasures. Right now, you can save 50 pounds per person. That's 200 pounds for a family of boys."
C8F0gSGxiLu
All I want on this godforsaken planet is to have traveled a long distance on horseback.
I'm wearing a cloak. It has been raining.
And I turn up to an old-timey inn, and I'm looking around, and there's a fireplace, and it's warm, and it smells like stew!
And I go up to the innkeep, and he's looking at me a bit like,
he's not around in these parts, I don't think.
And I go, excuse me, could I have a room?
And he goes, hmm, a room, eh?
Oh, I'm quite busy, but we have just one left.
But I must warn you, it is the coziest room of them all.
And then I take the room, and then I go and have just a beautiful night's sleep.
DPY_mtvjTWr
"You have many of the abilities of a Disney Princess. You can talk to animals, people burst into song around you, and it seems every other day a Prince Charming type falls madly in love with you as one of the most feared enforcers in New York. It's tough, but you make it work."
"How did you know?" He squeals on his knees and shaking. Your finger tightens around the trigger. "A little birdie told me."
DUrTTW2CSWY
Pretty tell. What is Ligma?
Such riddles can only be answered by the Mind Goblin.
Enough of your riddles!
Who is the Mind Goblin?
We'll be right back.
C-bTGJhxGnb
A woman who leads, a woman who's strong, a woman who's intimidating.
A woman that's part shark, and it's the top half that's a shark part, and she keeps going
C6AYyxrL18T
We'll see a girl and say, "Have you seen my mommy?"
*laughs*
I cast Thunderspell!
No!
C7FqQzCx-br
You're in the scooping room.
Do you know why they call it the scooping room?
It's because, dummy, this is the room where they use the scooper.
I thought that would be obvious.
DVbUENvjXae
What if the sun doesn't actually hurt vampires? Vampires are just nocturnal, the same as we're dianals.
Some vampire was probably too afraid to admit that he was afraid of the light, so he made up a fake allergy to the sun.
Word got out to mortals, so we just assume that all vampires are allergic to the sun.
You know how mortals like to stereotype and whatnot.
But imagine pop sunny vampires that are the vampire version of goth, dark humans.
"Oh, you know Victoria Anne III? Yeah, she's totally pop. Her friends call her Susan."
DSdDtgLiXdJ
By the age of thirty, you should have:
full suit of art,
thundering oar,
goblin scum,
big sword,
cursed amulet,
great despair!
Otherwise, the villagers will not respect you.
*laughs*
C7zMm_QxeS8
oh sorry hey who's this guy who let this guy in i just uh he's got a real funny face i like your
face guy thank you what a cute funny face you want a cookie can someone give this guy a cookie
got a very soothing face and i like looking at it it's like a matisse whoa
Dale2aDJH6i
Why would anyone pick a human race in a fantasy game?
I want a fantasy game where a human isn't even an option.
Nah man, humans are the coolest.
It's one thing to fight demons if you're from a species that lives for hundreds of years,
is tied to natural magic, and bursts the best archers on the planet.
It's another thing, entirely, to do the same when your species is known to be slightly above average at farming.
I'm Regular Jeff and I'm gonna behead Tiamat and die trying.
C-9CB3vRgrR
Hello, everyone. How are you? Fine, thank you.
DDX5H2ZRXFx
who's your celebrity doppelganger i have never been told i have one really no you don't think
you look like any celebrity no hi andy who does she look like scarlett johansson scarlett johansson
DYXD3zsgyvl
Vampires cannot enter a house uninvited.
Turns out they invented welcome mats to bypass this rule decades ago.
That makes so much sense.
Vampires created welcome mats.
Oh my god, they did!
Everybody needs to know this.
C6B7OuLx0N6
Despite what Flash may have told you, my cowls aren't just a fancy Halloween mask.
They're equipped with augmented vision lenses, so I never miss a clue.
And a conlink that lets me talk to my friends in the Justice League.
DIUX6_ux1Gr
What are you on?
The autism spectrum, jackass.
Consider your pants peed.
Knock, knock. Who's there?
Autism.
Where the hoes at?
Not here.
This is a message to all my haters.
Remember, revenge is beneath me, but accidents do happen.
So keep that pretty head on a swivel.
Till next time, douche canoes!
So, you've finally arrived. What the hell are you wearing?
It's my ass-kicking outfit, bitch!
How f***ing elaborate do we have to make this fight?
Get down here!
I think someone has daddy issues.
I do not have daddy issues! I am a sexual f***ing boy!
Hey, where did you put the plunger?
Who the hell are you?
I live here!
No, you don't!
Yes, I know the hell you do!
Oh, sorry.
Hey, who's this guy?
Who let this guy in?
I just, uh...
He's got a real funny face.
I like your face, guy.
Thank you.
What a cute funny face. You want a cookie?
Can someone give this guy a cookie?
He's got a very soothing face, and I like looking at it.
It's like a Matisse-
Whoa!
Sit back, relax, and enjoy a healthy dose of prolonged eye contact.
We don't rile each other up.
We never get riled up!
I don't get riled!
He doesn't, and I don't either!
Look at you right now! You're riled!
Sorry for making you fall in love with me because of my awesome vibes and kissable lips.
Can you buy me some Legos?
Smile without your eyes.
Raise your eyebrows.
Stop smiling.
That's your model face.
C66MujoLB7l
This extraordinary creature is half blind, half deaf and this is just about as fast as it can move.